My husband's a master of this rare art form. Unfortunately, I'm usually the bitch in question. Confidence issues? Why, yes, I'll have some, thank you.
Like most mothers, beauty took a backseat once I had a baby. Well, more like it was riding a few cars behind, since I was also a newly christened housewife. Between taking care of him and the house, concentrating on my appearance was a long forgotten issue. I stopped dying my hair, wore frumpy clothing to cover up the child-birthed ravaged body I now possessed, and very rarely slapped on makeup. Although Rick was pretty rare to ever dole out a compliment (and was downright mean while I was "fat" and pregnant), I hadn't heard a kind word cross his lips in a long while, but there was no reason to, now was there?
Well, realizing that I had begun to shy away from any reflective surface, and I was wholeheartedly in apall of my physical appearance, I started little by little chipping away at it. Getting the teeth fixed was the biggest hurdle, everything else sort of came together after that huge boost. I dusted off my contact lense case and started wearing them again. And since I noticed I had wittled off the baby flab, I started buying clothes that once again showed off a few of the ol' assets (I've always had great legs, that I will happily admit). At garage sales and Goodwill, I managed to pick up a couple of tank tops, some cute capris, and a pair of short skirts. At this weekend's shopping spree, I even dared to buy a few form fitting tops that hugged the newly rediscovered curves. It was nice, I slowly started remembering that I am a young woman that can still shake her bon bon! After all, I was a stripper before I had Anthony, and now that I'm a size smaller than when I started, it can't be that bad, right? I even bought a box of hair dye, and today my hair is a lovely cherry red colour...God Bless whoever invented the not so smelly Garnier!
Well, last night, feeling pretty dern snazzy, I wiggled into the pair of jeans I had gotten, and a sexy little T that was cut to show off...everything else. Not slutty, but definitely workin' it! I sidled out into the front room, prepared to hopefully knock hubby off the couch. Or at least get him to hit pause on the Tivo.
"Well, now if someone ever asks what size that sexy ass wife of yours is, you can say size 6 Babay!" and did a little twirl.
He sat there with an eyebrow cocked, so I figured he was letting me feminine glory sink in. "Turn around again," he said.
I did, wiggling my hips even more, as I was now thoroughly anticipating a well earned compliment.
"Your ass isn't round anymore, and you still need bigger boobs"
I shit you not, readers, these are the very words that my thickskulled, inconsiderate, self-esteem demolishing husband uttered to me.
I would close out this entry with a witty little quip, but honestly, I can still hear the wizzing sound of my ego deflating.
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5 comments:
well, i would love to punch your hubby, but am not really physically fit, and he would probably kick my ass.
but i will say, at least you know you've got it, (even if he doesn't). i, on the other hand, have NOT gotten back down to a size six (or the male equivalent, no i'm not a cross-dresser), never WAS a stripper (i'm sure had i been, they would've paid me to put my clothes back on!), and most days, i'm stinky and scruffy, and bespectacled.
of course, my wife thinks i'm sexy, so i guess that's all that matters.
darth
WTF? You should've just walked over and smothered his face with your boobs. That almost always secures something good.
Or you could always just give him a titty twister for being stupid!
Errrrr! That last comment was by me. I didn't know you could post "as" something.
This is from Darth's wife:
I cannot even imagine being back to the size I was b4 having kids! And the fact that you are now smaller than b4 is just amazing! I too am battling with post children physique and in all my pre-baby and my post-baby body my husband has always thought I was sexy. I am Korean so I have no ass never did, now my once perky 36 C boobs are now a deflating 38 D-DD. The girls are never going uptown without some help. It is sad to hear your thick skulled husband does not appreciate what he has.
Keep writing UR hilarious, you say things that I would say and it makes me laugh. Thanks.
I think we should take your husband and my husband and put them in a very deep pit then we can sell tickets to all our real friends to come over and watch while we throw in fabulous things one at a time. First a little spider, then a little scorpion, then a little rattle snake, then when they are good and tired from jumping around avoiding all those creepy crawlies we'll shoot them and cover up the hole.
I don't mean to be a vengeful bitch I'm just having one of those same kinda days. I wish better times for you but if they don't come, drop me a line, I'll bring my own shovel.
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