Meanderings

Have you ever looked at the actual set of miranda rights and realized how applicable they are to a divorce? Seriously, perhaps they should issue a copy of them with your big wonkin packet of papers. In fact, they might have to broaden them a little...

1. You have the right to remain silent - despite the fact that you want to scream and hurl obscenities at this person, probably not the best idea. But you are more than welcome to simply shutting the fuck up, which might even greatly relieve the other party involved.

2. Anything you do say may be used against you in a court of law. - In fact, it probably will be used against you, over and over. Things you may have thought will be used against you. Anything you've ever done since grade school that your ex knows about, well, guess what! It's gonna be used against you. Even if it has absolutely NO bearing to the outcome of your divorce proceedings, the fact that you may have stolen a cupcake when you were three WILL come up during the custody battle. You bad, bad, cupcake stealing infidel.

3. You have the right to consult an attorney - in fact, if you don't, you are most definitely going to get fucked. (author's note: although I have consulted a few attorneys, I am actually flying this divorce ex parte, or "sans overpaid asswipe in a suit.").

4. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you . - well, no, not really, but DAMN wouldn't that be nice!

*sigh* there are few things you are garaunteed in a divorce, especially if it involves a child.

1. That big ass pile of paperwork does NOT come with a cheat sheet, so once you pay the thirty dollars, plan to spend a few days muling over it and scratching your head. Then later crying over it. Then wondering if it's really worth the $250 to file, or maybe you can just wish the person out of your life.
2. It is a fact that your ex will have made you out to be the most vile person on the face of the planet to anyone he knows .If you are an exwife, you are instantly a whore.
3. If you didn't hate your ex before the proceedings, you will most certainly hate them by the time they are done with you. For some reason, divorce instantly kicks off a gut reaction by the "respondent" to be the most inhuman, bad-tempered hate machine from the great depths of Angstville, and their primary goal in life is to make sure yours is at best uncomfortable, at most a living freaking hell in which all you can do is think "How the FUCK did I marry this demon?!"
4. No matter how kindly that person may be in real life, judges are friggin terrifying. Even if you've done everything by the book and are an exemplary human being, you will suddenly start thinking about that cupcake when you were three...
5. Even if they were known to sing your praises while you were together, in your now ex's eyes, you are a hideously bad parent who must be feeding your child twinkies for breakfast and letting them memorize the dialogue to Reservoire Dogs.
6. Even if your ex actually IS doing these things, you can't do shit about it.
7. No matter how many muffins you bake from scratch, how many wiggles songs you sing, your child WILL be affected by it and there's diddly squat you can do about it. The only real thing you can do is be a damn good parent, love them with all your heart, and hope to god he/she doesn't require too much therapy down the road.