I Am Me

• I am 30 years old, and I don't feel like that's old, but I'm aware I'm not young, either.


• I am intelligent, take pride in that intelligence, but don't shove it down people's throats.


• I've done a lot of jobs in my life, from executive to stripper, and a lot in between, and I regret none of those paths. I am now working on a new one, which I feel is the right one.


• I love to laugh, often, and at stupid things, and that's ok.


• I am a mother to a wonderful child. I am a devoted, loving, firecely fighting, very involved, completely enraptured mother to my wonderful child.


• I am raising a child who is sweet, hysterical, happy, determined, and downright magnificent. And wonderful.


• I am a parent alone, and I am ok with this. He is too.


• I am an unabashed dork. I like Hello Kitty, Jim Henson, and Tim Burton. I obsess over all three (ok, the latter two more than the former).


• I am a proud geek. I love my video games, board games, and comic books, I'm getting into anime (damn you, OB) and my close friends are from an internet site.


• I am also a nerd. I love studying the brain, play chess, and have lively conversations about robots and emergent theory.


• If I laugh hard enough, I have snorted. Screw you, I'll just laugh harder.


• I am an artist, a crafter, a writer. I love being covered in paint and hotglue, and typing out my soul.


• I love to cook, and am take pride in my talent. I will reach out and learn even more new things about this hobby as I expand my social circle.
  
  
• I have no fashion sense.


• I hate being a woman because of the above, and my utter confusion by makeup and beauty products in general.


• I love being a woman because I like wearing heels, and think skirts are great, and I like to smell nice.


• I am a ninja and a pirate. Or at least a pirate's wench.


• I am terrified of falling in love, but I do have so very much to give.


• I may not like myself right now, but I am determined to fix that. Both mentally and physically I am reshaping my core.


• I am a fierce and loyal friend, and am surrounded by fierce and loyal friends who inspire me every day.
  
  
• I really have collected some amazing people around me, and my heart swells with joy when I think of all of these people. I strive now to show them how much I appreciate their existence.
  
  
• I am exploring a great big world around me, and loving every minute of it. I am meeting new people, going to shows, learning new things, and planning an awesome future for myself and my child. For just us.
  
  
• I've discovered recently that I like beer, and that little fishfry place next to Neumo's.
  
  
• I may be late in getting back into school, but the direction I am taking is more right for me, and drives me more intensely than any path I had thought of wandering down prior.
  
  
• I have weird taste in music, but I am at the age where I can say "I like what I like" and totally get away with that.
  
  
• I have been treated horribly in my past two relationships, and understand now that there's only so much blame I can take for this before I have to realize the other people were just...dicks.
  
  
• I am happier than I have ever been at this moment in my life, more comfortable with who I am, and emerging from the shell of pain a better, brighter, stronger individual. I hated what happened, but now am grateful for the release of my soul.

Dear Bob

Over the last few months, I really, really wished you had been here. A the beginning of my "nightmare", I just wanted you there to hug me fiercely like you always did. Gnash your teeth at the world with me, help me scream out the rage I felt. You would've been there, holding my hands, telling me to be strong. "Fuck that guy!" you would have yelled. "Fuck him, fuck the other douche, fuck everyone who's fucking with you!" It was your favourite word. I had a cheerleading squad, don't worry, but I have a feeling you would've actually attempted to dress as one to get me to smile. Then offer me a hate screw, because you of course had to throw in a sexual innuendo there. But I loved you for that. Hell, I like to think you still watch over me, if for nothing more than a chance to look down my shirt.

I've thought so much of you, everytime I strive to get through the hard times. The irony of everything is that you always told me never to give up, to keep fighting. You were a ROCK, just not to yourself. You told me you loved me because I was a "badass bitch", so I've spent the last few months finding that within me. And now that I've overcome so much...jesus, I just wish you could see all this. You'd be so proud. I can see your smile, telling me how proud you are that I got through this. I didn't give up. I fought. Oh, Bob, I just wish you had, too. I wish you could be standing here with me at this mountain top. You deserved to see what that victory would have looked like.

Last night we began the tattoo commemorating you, and what you meant to me. You would have appreciated the body mod aspect. We're turning you into a literal Bobgoblin, just like you said you were. And the sheild you carry reads "Never Give Up". You will be that protector of mine forever. You gave up, Bob, but you made me promise I never would. So I won't, and I will brand that upon my skin to remind me. I got through all of this and have come out into an amazing, beautiful world full of promise and hope. I wish you could have. You deserved this reward, to see how amazing it can be when you fight hard enough.

We didn't finish the piece last night, so I'll have to go back for a second sitting. But your face is done, and smiles at me from my leg. I cried when I saw it, I miss that smile so much.

I love you and I miss you. And I still can't say goodbye. And I refuse to now, because I shouldn't have had to. I will carry you with me, because I know you are already with me.