There's a few types of single moms out there, so you might want to figure out which kind you have in front of you. She'll either be like me, completely devoted to her child and trying to be a good parent, or...well, she's not. You'll know the latter, they usually spend little time at home, all too eagerly hire a sitter for all hours of the day, or will happily have you meet the kiddos right away. That last part is just more misguided than anything. Those are usually just quick to the meet because they are looking for a new baby daddy, or are completely oblivious to the ramifications of that kind of early interraction.
But here we're going to talk about the former, or more to the point...me. My son comes first in my life, and I am devoted to being a good parent and positive role model to him. So, therefor, dating someone like me comes with "restrictions".
First off...times of dating. If it's during the summer months (or weekends) our kids are at home during the day, so we tend to want to devote those daylight hours to just them. It's not that we don't like you, it's just that our kids are a priority, and we don't want to just dump them off at a daycare. Heck, most single parents are also battling our child's fear of abandonment issues, so we tend to e extra sensitive about taking our time away from them. This leaves dating strictly an evening activity. That's not a bad thing, there's plenty to do at night! You just have to be ok with that. Chances are if we're going out, I'll be hiring a sitter, so yea, I may be a little broke just starting the night. But we can still go out once a week, maybe twice on a good month. You don't have to avoid the residence outside of that, tho. If the parent is comfortable with you, they may open the door to you just coming over for a visit. There's lots to do at the home, chances are they are well equipped for evenings in. I tend to be the type that enjoys cooking dinner for the other person, and enjoying a glass of wine curled up on the couch. It's a nice evening, if mellowness is ok with you.
As far as spending the night goes...well, that's where it gets rough. You see, a good parent won't let you do that for a while. We don't want our child waking up to seeing a strange person in mommy's bed. And for your place, well, it's going to depend on the custody situation. If the parent in question has full time custody, they probably don't get evenings where they can leave the house for a whole night. So, it may be incredibly limited. In time, he/she can probably find an overnight sitter, but you have to understand that with that comes a huge amount of "mommy guilt" by leaving our child, not to mention there's still a time restriction to come back the next day to retrieve the wee one. But if there's any visitation at all, she'll be able to spend the night at your place perhaps once or twice a month (at the beginning).
This doesn't mean the parent is just interested in you being an occasional booty call, in fact, probably far from! Just because we have a priority in our life doesn't mean we don't hope for another. Chances are we want a relationship, too, otherwise we wouldn't bother having you over in the first place. I myself really miss having a relationship in my life. I'd love to have someone come over that I can cook for, laugh with, cuddle with, and hey, maybe even fall in love down the road. And I'd absolutely love to wake up next to someone. I think I actually miss that the most. Not many have stuck around long enough to get past the limitations, which is very unfortunate.
And hey, in time, if you have been patient with the initial restrictions...they do get better. Once the parent in question is comfortable with you and convinced that you aren't an asshole, she'll probably arrange a meeting between you and the offspring (for me, this is right around the time we've talked about monogamy, about 1 or 2 months in). Usually this happens in a neutral environment, one where the child isn't too overly concerned about loosing attention. Think park, or zoo. She'll probably be a bit more focused on the kiddo, too, ensuring the child isn't uncomfortable with you, and probably watching you for signs of panic. Get through that meeting, and you'll see that things get easier. Since the child knows you, she'll probably be ok with you spending the night at that point. Granted, be prepared that when it's wake up time, she'll have to be primarily a mom, getting the child ready for school or perhaps just making breakfast. Sleepovers don't get to continue with lazing in bed and having sex with coffee, unfortunately. But you are being accepted as a presence in both of their lives.
If you have hit this point, perhaps you can move onto "phase 2" of dating a single parent, and trust me, this is the fun part. Having a kid is pretty fun, and there's lots to do with the wee one. There's day trips to the beach or local farms, amusement parks and museums, a whole world out there of fun to explore. Holidays are usually a lot more festive than you could have pictured, and you'll get the benefit of reliving bits of your own childhood as you once again get to enjoy trick or treating and planning for visits from santa.
And don't think that this just means she'll only want you two to spend time with her child. Most of us really need our grown up time, too. Going out to a restaurant or a show, or simply hitting a bar to have a drink, these are all activities we'll want to continue to enjoy. And because we appreciate these moments, we'll want to share them with you. In fact, chances are, we'll be the most appreciative people you'll ever see in the dating world. Our time away from home is precious and rare, so it means a lot more to us when there's someone out there we want to spend it with. And we want you to see us as the individual we are, not just a parent. If you can appreciate both sides of us, we'll be eternally pleased.
Oh, and one more thing...just because we've had one, doesn't mean we've decided we're "done". Some of us want more children, and want to grow our family with another person. You should probably come to terms with your own wants before you get too involved. It's a big decision to join a woman with a child, and yet another to figure out if you want your own with her. Try to have that priority figured out ahead of time. The older we get, the less time we have to waste on someone who has no clue what they want.
So, there you have it. It's not easy, especially not at the beginning. But with a little time and patience, this can be an intensely rewarding and meaningful relationship.
By the way...things you should never do while dating one of us:
Complain about the initial restrictions. We already know they suck.
Make us feel guilty about those issues. Trust me, we already do.
Assume that we're just a good booty call. If we wanted that, most of us could go get that, or have become well equipped with battery operated devices. We have feelings, too.
Assume that there will never be a good relationship. Obviously, we've been in at least one. And if we can make our child a priority, we can also make you one.
