Sooo...that happened.

I'd love to be sitting here babbling endlessly about the great time I had at bootycon! I really did, they are such a loving, amazing community of people. My heart came back filled with joy. I sat there, looking around my boxed up apartment, just kind of loving life.
I've got the move in a day, now, with my super new awesome apartment and super cool dad living next door!

My new job starts next week. Yaaaaaay puppies!
I heard back from a good legal aide regarding help with my divorce nonsense (it WILL be done, oh yes, this four years of bullshit will come to an END).

I have all the stuff I need to snag my passport so I can go see Jesse in BC.

Ah, yes, and I would be seeing Jesse in two weeks, my heart was very, very happy.

And then he called and dumped me. *sigh* OK, so first off, I'm eating, so no one start calling around looking for taco delivery or anything. But DAMN does it suck. I really really liked this guy. The L word was starting to creep out. I thought he was this amazing, compassionate, trustworthy...oh everything a new relationship has a person spewing, right? I adored the man. I had even been researching schools in Canada to finish my degree at, actually (in a few years, people, mama don't move that fast!). We had this amazing talk last night about where things were going with us. It seemed so great! Granted, I was overly excited to be making cheese together. I don't know why, I just though the idea of cultivating a wheel of parmesan with my superchef was wildly romantic. We talked about the next few months, getting to know eachother even more. He'd be seeing more of my "real life", as I started work, and school, and settling in the new place. He'd get to know Anthony better, hopefully building a relationship there (if we were going long haul, that would be a necessity). I'd go up and finally meet the sisters I had been interacting with. We'd even talked about enjoying the two thanksgivings with eachother (Canada has their on a different day). I knew he was still freaked about the whole "eventually would have to move to the states" thing, but that was a long ways off, we were working on a very slow pace. I figured around next year, what with all we were building, it wouldn't even seem like that big a deal. And hey, if something else came up, we'd work around it. That's what couples do when they want to be together, right?

I really need to lessen my faith in others, apparently. Something in him snapped this morning. Ugh, my heart still feels so torn. Disappointed, more than anything. First, he completely went bizarre about the fact that my ex is "around". Like, the divorce finalization would make him disappear. I don't think he's really ever been around a divorced parent situation...but um...yea, that other person never goes away. Rick will *shudder* always be there, whether I want him to be or not. Not so much as an active participant in my life, but in kiddo's, which is I think the part Jesse misses. And, no, Rick's not a great father, and most of the time really doesn't seem to want to be. BUT...Until either A) Rick signs over his rights and hauls ass back to the midwest, or B) Kiddo tells me he doesn't want to bother with him, I cannot close that door. That is their relationship, not mine. The door between Rick and I? That was slammed, locked, then wielded shut four years ago when I first inked the damn papers. I lived with Scott for most of these last four years. I personally find Rick as a human nauseating, not just after what he put me through but who he is as a person. He is not a good man, he's a horrible thing that I cannot fathom why I married in the first place.

Anyways, after I questioned this whole irrational line, the truth came out. He apparently decided he hates the US and will never EVER move here. As in, came to this overnight. And...well, then he broke up with me. I'm frustrated that he didn't give it a chance to see where we could've gone, because I really thought we could do something amazing. But I guess I should be grateful he didn't pull a Scott and drag me along for years just to say "oh, nevermind!" I do know after all the therapy and personal exploration that I deserve better than that. I'm just very disappointed that he couldn't see past the border. I'm pretty sure a lot of it was fear. He'd just started dating again when he met me, and apparently feels like he hung his hat too soon with a girl too far away, I guess. I dunno. It's a bit of a heart tug for me, because for a second...well, I guess part of me hoped he'd be the guy who finally says "you are worth it".

Well, I don't have as bright an outlook on summer now, but I am also way too busy to concern myself with it. I feel really, really stupid for falling for the guy, especially when he felt the need to cut and run before we could've actually been something special. But I have a full plate in front of me, and the reality of it all is a lot to comprehend. I'll drown my sorrows in a beer and some chocolate, then dry my eyes and keep packin. I have all the above stuff, the new place, the new job, and pretty soon, school. And like I've said, I'd anticipated that I would fly solo for all of it, so I should really stop whining.

It was a great two months, and I can count that as a blessing. Whatever happened...well, this morning, up until that point, I was smitten with a cool guy. He did dote upon me, which is something I've never experienced. I got two months of feeling appreciated, admired, and adored, and I will put that in my pocket and hold onto the niceness of it for a bit.

This mama has a lot to do, so I best keep doin' it.

After the chocolate.

Moving Out and Moving On...

A lot of people were apparently really surprised to hear that I'd be moving from Park Edmonds. Yea, I know I've lived here for over four years. Yea, I know the location is damn convenient. Yea, I know it's an awfully big 2-bedroom in a locked building. Ooooooh, let's go over the reasons this needs to happen!!

1) Cost! The rent is $840, which is about $50 over market value for an average "nice" 2 bed, and way above market value considering the lack of amenities here. There are 2 laundry rooms for 140 units, and both facilities constantly have machines broken. There is a small "fitness center" which consists of a treadmill and an exercise bike in a windowless room, a small play area with falling apart equipment, and that's the end of the list of "complex features". I found many places that cost less that had many more features.
Much more adequate laundry facilities? check!
Larger play areas? Check!
Equipped fitness center with better hours of operation? Check!
Heated pool and jacuzzi? Check!


2) In line with the cost is that this complex has the tenant paying the water/sewer/garbage bill separately, which is an additional $80 per month. This is ridiculous for two people in a small apartment, without laundry in unit. I don't have a car, either, but apparently I'm paying for everyone else to wash theirs. Many complexes don't charge this, which automatically means saving that amount.


3) This place has had some recent security issues. There had been random break ins prior, which caused me to be hyper vigilant about locking the door when by myself. "secured building" is pretty much a joke, as most of the white trash tenants that the desperate landlord has allowed to move in will let just about any random stranger in. Recently there was a rape in broad daylight across the street. Yea, I'd pretty much say that signals my exit!! This last one completely scared the crap out of me, actually. I am a not too strapping gal living by myself. With my small child and hardly ferocious beast.

4) I hate the neighbors here. Sure, I know that every apartment community comes with some nutjobs, but this place has some that are pushing me to the brink. There's the...um, is it one family? They've taken over all three buildings, and while I thought it was five seperate fams that just happen to all speak the same language (and moved in within months of eachother), watching them scramble between eachother's apartments at all hours made me realize there's more relation than coincidence there. Each couple has four children, which breaks my brain a bit when one realizes these are all 2 bedroom units. I have no clue why 4 was the magic number, either, but I actually did count. It was easy to count all individuals when they started taking over the downstairs play area on Sundays. All five fams come out, all 12 children running about (note, three fams are couples, the other 2 are sets of 4 men who live together, I'm assuming brothers? They don't come across as gay couples). I apparently live in a commune, and didn't know it. Why does this bother me? Because they aren't NICE people!! They are rude, loud, and act like all other tenants are encroaching on their space. I've been bitched at for doing laundry (because the woman wanted to use all three machines at once, therefor I should wait for my one load), the kids have been rude to mine, they are really loud in the halls at 2am, they screech across the complex at eachother and the kids, omg seriously, don't make me continue. I just strongly dislike these people.
Oh, and shall I go to my actual next door neighbor? The psychotic, drunken, drama-queen, hypochondriac wash up that I have to share a wall with?! It started so innocently...I think she had to borrow sugar or something. Next thing I know she's coming over at all hours of the night asking if I have booze. She'll have one of her "breakdowns" and demand my company. Her "best friend", some aging dude with a Captain-Save-a-Ho complex, began calling me to look in on her. She flips out and ends up having to be dragged off by an ambluance about twice a month. The worst part, I have been subject to listening to her list off her "medical problems" which I am sure she has completely made up to garner sympathy from people. She's living off the charity of her ex-husband, who keeps funneling money into her account 4 years after he left her. Of course she has some boyfriend that comes around and gets drunk with her, and then the hero complex dude. Ugh. She called me at 5:30 the other morning, hyperventilating and begging me to come "watch her". I grumbled that I wouldn't leave my child unattended and she needed to call 911 if she had a problem. I swear to god, I hope there is some statute that decrees you can only have so many of these little fake panic attacks, and abuse the emergency room, before they shut you in a drunk tank.
*end rant, grumble*

5) It's just...time. I had a life in this place that is, well, done. Scott and I broke up a while ago, but his memory is forever permeated here. Yes, I know I moved in here solo, but he moved in not long after (same year), and remained with us until Jan. Every memory here included him...every holiday, every birthday...I want to move on, and my son wants to move on. I've replaced key bits of furniture already (hello, bed), and the last thing is to replace the floor beneath us. My son and I are building a new life together, I am on a new amazing path now. This home is not mine anymore. This apartment is a life that' is a skin I need to shed.
**My son is stable, getting lots of help, on the right med, and in therapy.
**I have an adorable new little cat, who is slightly codependent (the other day Jesse pointed out that Smoosh really does not stray more than a few feet from my presence...ever).
**I am starting school in the fall, and I have a very set degree path. Acceptances are done, classes are chosen, the paper is all but in my hand. I feel full of strength and conviction. I am so pleased.
**I am going back to work, but in a much different manner than before. My priorities are quite firmly in place now, and "career" is on the bottom, especially since it can't happen til after "education". Knowing I am relegating work to just being a way to pay my rent and not stress over is...well, it's pretty dang liberating.
**I am healthier than I have ever been. My exercise regime has me slimmed down, looking great, and feeling amazing. I don't smoke. More and more of my food and Anthony's is homemade, which was actually a byproduct of being a cheapskate. Making our pasta, yogurt, granola, etc is a lot cheaper than buying premade. Go figure? But I can feel it and see it, we're a lot healthier for these changes.
**I am mentally peaceful. Yes, this sounds weird. But hey, therapy is awesome.
**I've got someone new who makes me feel great. I'm crazy about him, he's crazy about me. We're happy as individuals, and downright blissful together. We mutually respect eachother, and support eachother, which is a very new and very wonderful experience for me. heehee, if I continue talking about him, it will turn into a ridiculous gushfest, so I shall leave it at this: It's pretty damn cool.

I saw Scott yesterday, on the bus. It was weird, and I suppose rather anticlimactic. I felt a weird shock as I realized it was him that was waving at me (hey, it's been close to 6 months since I've seen the guy). But then I felt...well, to be honest, not much. Irritation, I suppose. I didn't want to look over at him, but more because I felt so ambivilent, and a bit embarrassed at the fact that I didn't recognize him at first (he hasn't changed his appearance, it was just lack of time being around him). But...eh, that was about it. There was no tug at the heart, no pang, no nothing. Not even the seething hatred I had formed over him towards the last bit of my letting go. I don't see him as the Destroyer, the Deceiver, The Man Who Walked Away... or anything so melodramatic anymore. I just saw, well, a guy. He's probably still the giant loser that I should be so incredibly thankful has been shed from my life, but really, he's just not even worth the pity of knowing in that respect. I guess that's the kind of insignificance that means it's a very appropriate time to be filling out a change of address form.

So, cardboardland, here we come! We did find a place for Dad and I, and he's already gotten approved. My approval (being that I had to have mom co-sign, and OMG is that a long story I won't get into) should happen in a day or two, although I'm already moving forward. My move date should be the 26th. Yes, I am still going to Bootycon, my ticket/room are already paid for. So I am packing right now, so that when I leave on the 16th, I will be returning to a completely ready to move apartment on the night of the 21st. And that's that...I'll be celebrating Independence Day by celebrating my own independence. Life changes are a wonderful thing! :-)