Reset button

I think I've reached yet another one of those points in time where I need to "reset". I've been feeling over the last month a building...angst, I suppose. I haven't felt myself, much more tightly wound, irritable, defensive. I've just been off. I feel like I am needing to get back in touch with myself, tho.

I think it's actually because of this latest round of "sharona's attempt at dating". I've really never hated it as much as I have been lately! But gah...this time...
It's weird, I feel like right now would've been the "perfect time". I'm off school just for the summer, so I would've had the chance to get to know someone before the school year kicked back up and dragged me into distraction. The weather is gorgeous, allowing for many options for outings, and..well, I was feeling pretty well together with myself. I know exactly who I am, and what I have (and don't have) to offer. I'm very comfortable with that. And I've finally honed in on what it is I want (and don't want). Perhaps it was because the last relationship I was in actually was a good one. There was nothing wrong with him at all! And we had a great thing there, for a bit. Just because the flame sort of sputtered doesn't mean it was a bad model. It just blew out, and that's that. Honestly, I think Dave was the best thing that could've happened to me. He accepted me for exactly who I am, didn't try to confine me, was attentive without being obsessive, he was great! I adore the man for who he is, and there's an astoundingly lucky girl out there in his future, I'm sure. And I think that's probably why we are able to stay friends.

So I was pretty optimistic when I got back out there. And then...the parade of ick.

Of course, it always starts with the barrage of messages from people who I have zero interest in (and seriously wonder what on earth they would want with a woman like me). I know I'm a rather unique package, so it's going to take another one to work. I get that. But then, oh...the dates.

What it boils down to is this past month has been disappointment after HORROR after disappointment. The highlights:

• Watching her down 4 beers in a row, while I sipped at one. She bragged about how grateful she was to not have children.
• Anytime I spoke of my interests, he completely glazed over, almost comatose.
• He blathered for 2 HOURS about his goddamn car, then his giant house, and then his income.
• He was perfect through dates one and two...then I stupidly slept with him and he turned into a giggling fratboy that high fived me.
• My favourites! The "well, I'm actually just sort of curious about the whole bi thing" girls. Fucking two of them. In a row.
• The "super dad", has 3 of his own, "can't wait" to meet mine (dude, you're gonna be waiting a looooooooooooong time).
• The one who actually bored me to sleep. Seriously, I was nodding off.
• The asshole who referred to my studies as "cute", and how lovely it would be to have a wife with her "little practice on the side of the house". Oh my god I almost punched him.
  
• The perrenial teenager. yea, I had two juveniles in a row, apparently.

So, yea. Pretty bad. And I think I used to be ok with that, but for some reason, it's got me all out of whack. I actually went out with someone whom I liked, and proceeded to completely blow it because I was just feeling all kinds of icky about humans. I had a total wall up, and got really hyper defensive to every little thing he said, and practically ripped him open. I was so convinced that he was just some bullshiter who was toying with me.
*granted, he may actually be that, but the verdict is still out, because after I snapped out of it we had a decent conversation. We are, however, firmly in "friendship zone".

I feel like I've started to form that very negativity that I despise in other people. I tend to be a pretty happy go lucky gal, and I like being that way. I like having fun, and laughing, and seeing the good in so many people. I hate the fact that I've just been tearing people down, one after another, or feeling like I'm torn down myself. Goddamn, Dating is downright unhealthy for one's mentality!

I'm going to reset, then. Definitely cancelling the Plenty Of Fish account, seriously, I've not met a single decent person on there. The OKC I'll leave up, but probably neglect. I'm canceling the date I had this week, and don't see myself accepting any new offers, either. I need to regroup, get back to me. I can't be this "amazing woman up for grabs" if I'm stomping around all angry like, I need to get back to that zen contentment. I felt like I was so ready, because I was out of something feeling great, but maybe I should just enjoy feeling great and stop being "ready". After all, it is a beautiful summer we have ahead of us. I've got a little time off work, and a crazy awesome group of friends. I have a list of things I want to do, and enough people to do them with. As for romance...meh, I have batteries, right? I'd rather just enjoy being the woman I know I am, happy, content, fairly carefree, and loving life as it is. I'm far from "alone", I have a dynamite lil guy next to me every day, loving his momma for who she is. And that's all I ever really asked for!