What do you say

On Friday I got a call shortly after I walked in the office that a close friend had taken his own life. I behaved with a complete lack of composure, screaming and crying hyserically. I am assuming completely caught my boss off gaurd (the one who delivered the news), as I assume he probably didn't realize how close I was to the person. I left work, weeping teh whole way on the bus, and got home and just stared at my couch, where he had only sat 2 weeks ago, telling me that he was going through a depression. I had begged him to get help.
So here, two weeks later, I'm staring at the couch and going through all the textbook emotions that everyone tells me I shouldn't feel, but my brain decided it was hardwired to go through, anyways. Guilt. Why didn't I call and check up on him? Why didn't I go through the white pages with him and help him find the help he needed? Why didn't I call his roomate and tell him if he got worse, to check him into a hospital? Was that the only time he was reaching out for help, and I didn't do enough?
I cried some more, drank, and went to a friends house to get my mind as far away from it as possible. I clung to Scott, seeking to reheat something inside of me that felt very, very cold. Toyda, Dad came over, adn in typical counselor fashion, walked me through my emotions and let them validate. He's good like that. My concern turned to his roomate, because he is the one that found...well, yeah, let's just say it wasn't pretty.
I was afraid, I wanted to stay strong in front of him, because I needed to be stronger for someone else...just in case, and in case it made me feel better.
It's weird, although I was close as can be with his now former roomate, B and I have pretty much just kept things tersely professional. But here we were, standing in a restaurant, linked now by the worst we could imagine and huddled together like we had a million times before. He let me see a new emotion, one I hadn't faced yet, but one that I now understand.
Anger. He didn't have to do this, we all kept telling him to get help, that the darkness he felt now was only temporary. But he did, and now we're all left sitting here staring at our laps and pushing food around our plates, confused, hurt, and sickened. Apparently B had forced him to go see a counseling, but he only went to one session. B tried to give him some outlets, and introduce him to different things, but he seemed devoid of forming any passions, and was giving up. I had thought that him pushing aside plans with me was out of being busy at work, but in reality he was just checking out.
I won't call him weak, because we've all had our moments of utter weakness. I won't call him selfish, because that wasn't something he was. But I am angry, nevertheless, that with all of us holding our hands out, he turned away and tore himself from this world. I'm angry that the rest of us are left holding pieces of something we don't understand. I'm angry because our mutual friend, who is always a bright shining and happy little thing was missing that spark in her eye today because she's holding a pit of guilt inside, too. I'm angry because it's two weeks before christmas and so many people that I know are staring into tears dropping into cups of hot cocoa while the first snowfall of the year silently drifts down. I'm angry because B has to be so admirably strong, and I'm proud of him, but want to punch something for him being forced to go through this. I'm angry because everyone's life has bottomed out moments, there are so many pains and anguishes in this world...but those who have even infinitely harder lives dig and find that one little piece that shines and live for that. You have to find that spark and live for that, and I'm angry that he couldn't find that piece. Or maybe I'm angry that someone could've taken it from him, or it burned out, or just wasn't bright enough.
I don't know what I would ever expect someone to think as they read this. I certainly don't want someone thinking, "Oh, poor mama:". Don't. And don't pity the friend who decided to check out before seeing what the world could've made up to him. But, well, I guess if you are reading this and the weather outside is upsetting you, or life is overwhelming and you are thinking that a quick end to your pain is better than enduring, then please read this again. If you know someone who is contemplating an early check out, or has ever talked about it recently, make them read this. And not so they can feel guilty at the hurt someone else feels. If you read this, I want you to put yourself right here, right in this anger, too. I want you to feel not as the person who wants to leave, but as the person next to them that doesn't want you to leave, and would be left here, holding pieces of a life that don't quite make sense now, if you did. It's not about being selfish for putting someone through this, it's about waking up and seeing that this is the result of those actions.