Yea yea, this is overdue, bite me. Remember, I'm a bitch, I do what I want!!!In our first class we discussed the basic principals of being an effective bitch. But it seems I may have left you readers with a feeling that there may not be recourse you can take in certain situations. Oh, but this is not true. The most effective tool a Bitch has in her arsenal is Sneaky Bitching. As promised, here are the tried and tested best practices I have come up with on the road to being a Vengeful Bitch on a warpath. Peruse, learn, then dissimate your enemies.
The Rules of Vendetta:
Workplace Wrath - Since you have carefully followed lesson 3, you are entitled to know how to get back at those who irk you in the workplace. Most obviously, if it is a co-worker, take note of their wrongdoing and head them off at the pass (ie, the boss). But don't present your ires as you are being an evil tattle tale, present them as genuine concerns for the benefit of the company (which they should be, never bring up inconsequential issues to a boss). Make sure of course that your own workplace behavior far surpasses your quarry, as this will only further make the victim even more vulnerable and humiliated.
If a customer, make sure you do EVERTHING completely flawless so they have no reason to bring up complaint. If possible, shower the person with impossible kindness in front of your peers and ideally your boss so that they have no choice but to come across as a complete psychopath for pestering you. If possible though, find every possible upcharge you can slap onto them in the book. Service charge for replacing a battery that is often ignored? This is now your You are an Asshole Surcharge. If their action of raising your ire is less obvious, and is, say eyeing you as a female employee like you are a hamhock on a plate, use it to your advantage and make them buy everything in the store they lay there eyes on under the impression that you find these purchases ultra sexy. Now you are a bitch with a comission.
If it's your boss, however, there aren't many ramifications but one...be a DAMN good employee. One that customers adore and flock to. Then get a new job and watch the former lose business because they don't have you. Best revenge EVER. Also, if there are questionable legalities, research them and nail them with it. Boss skirting labor issues? After you leave, sic your local labor law entity upon them. Bahahahahaha....
Pissants in public - The world is full of morons, and you will come across more than a fair share in your lifetime that will raise your hackles. Whether it's a nutjob in teh supermarket or in front of you at the ATM, assholes abound. Always follow the Kindness rule whenever possible, because it immediately makes the walking terror out into a psycho. Meeting aggression with a calm demeanor can not only often diffuse a freako from further acting out, but makes everyone aware of how ridiculous this person's behavior is. Now when the person leaves you can feel free to let out the breath you've been holding and utter a nice remark along the lines of "medication is a great thing, if you take it...". If you are simply unable to hold your tongue that long, try a more subtle comeback to the person's aggro attitude, pointing OUT their indescretion, and that will usually send them scurrying off to pester someone else...
"Decaf, seriously, look into it"
"Look, I don't know who peed in your cocoa puffs today, but you don't need to be so hellish to strangers"
"I'm sorry, but you must have confused me with someone who gives a damn what your opinion is"
one of these, or a variation along a similar vein of your choosing, can instantly pop a fuse in the nutcase's head and cause them to take their insolence elsewhere. Otherwise they'll go aggro in which case you duck and call an authoritative figure over. And you come across smelling like roses, while the freakazoid gets their keister handed to them.
Friends turned Foes - I've had far too many of these than I care to admit. Friends are people who simply haven't pissed you off yet, and all too often eventually DO. Some you can forgive minor indescretions (hey, we're all human), but for those who truly cross the line and entire sworn enemy territory, there are a few strategies to handle them.
Considering their foul was probably quite noteworthy if you have torn out and burned the page in your address book with their name on it, you should feel confident in never EVER wanting to share breathing space with this human again. But you probably share mutual acquaintances with this vile individual, which could make your social structure a bit difficult to manage. How does one tackle this?
First off, bite your TONGUE for a while and do not shittalk the individual, beyond truthful fact. Was this person a flake worse than a Californian Hippy with a pot addiction? Feel free to shrug and admit this person's unreliability doesn't have a place in your oh so important life. This will make ALL others around you start to question any meaningful matters that they've ever placed in the victim's hands. Were they just a raging gossip? Refer to the Kill them with Kindness rule in our previous lesson and take the high road...but do it obviously. "Oh, well, I I think it's pretty lame to spread bad things about others, so I will be holding my tongue on this one". Better yet, "Sorry, I'd like to think I am more adult than stooping to the level of discussing other's private affairs like a school yard rumour mill". This will not only garner respect for you, but cause others to look down upon the tongue wagging idiot of your choosing. If the moron has been gossiping about you in matters which you assumed were private, try and nip the gossip in the bud, and explain to those who've come scampering back to you with this newfound information that you were hoping to keep such matters private, and whoever was spreading your personal laundry is insanely tacky and uncouth for doing so. You don't even have to name names, the finger has already been pointed.
Did the person go beyond this and start spreading lies? This is the one I've most often encountered. First and foremost, do immediate damage control. Face the lie head on and set the facts straight. Do NOT immediately point a finger at the lying sack of shit that started it, simply claim complete ignorance in how this rumour was started. This technique makes your truth setting seem much more plausible, as you are not trying to devalue one person, you are honestly trying to get the truth known. This simple act is twofold, it 1) makes the lie go away, and 2) makes the fool who dared spread falsehoods about you known as the devious prick they are to ALL who heard and were corrected. Problem solved, now no one will trust a single word out of this person's mouth. The final stage to resolving this matter is following the next tip.
BackStabbing shittalkers caught in the act.
A person can air my dirty laundry, a person can say things that are untrue about me. Both of these things cause a proverbial hathet to come slamming down and severe the tie of any kinship I held to this person. But when a person starts badmouthing me behind my back to other friends, a whole new warpath I will lay down at their feet, for this very act means they were never my friend in the first place, and thus declaring themself my nemesis. This is the act which will get me in your face faster than Suncoast having an NBC figure sale. If you have already done damage control about gossip or lie spreading, this is also the final step you should take with said miscreant. That there are no other steps preceeding backstabbing means that this is a be all end all foul in any friendship. CONFRONTATION time.
Make sure there are a multitude of other people around that have been witness to their warranting crime. Yes, you have elevated to bitching in public. If this is a final step for you, this will make it all the more meaningful because you refrained earlier. Now, hold your tongue for a sec...do not accuse...interrogate. "did you say this about me?" at this point, the person is either going to A) lie their ass off, further making themselves look like an ass because they've been caught and now will be caught further in a lie when you present proof, or B) get cocky and admit it. Now, either way, remain calm still. Take a deep breath, you want to be heard. Put on an air of mild surprise, this is often quite effective. "Wow, I am shocked. I thought we were friends, and god knows friends don't do shit like this. Seriously, I am dissapointed in you." Yup, talk to them like a misbehaving child. Your victim now feels guilt and a little humiliation at their own triffling actions. Now, if their chastised look ain't enough (not to mention the looks of disgust radiating off of fellow persons in the room at seeing someone caught in a heinous act), you can NOW launch into a tirade. But do it well. Don't threaten violence, you are above that. Use big words, and insult creatively, as you will now be amusing all who watch and further humiliating the ne'erdowell. The best note to end on, I've found is one simple phrase..."You disgust me". Trust me, almost NOONE recovers from hearing that out of anyone's mouth.
Now, if you may have noticed, I am quite a Zenlike bitch. Do unto others and such. And that's basically me in all aspects of life, I am pretty relaxed. When annoyed, I will attempt to take the higher road as much as I can, because I am a definite believer in the circle of karma. Now, does that mean I haven't ever sunk so low as to, oooooh, say, carefully place a bag of frozen shrimp under someone's porch in the middle of summer? of course not (by the way, this is endlessly amusing, they won't figure out where the stench is coming from for daaaaaaaaaays.). When I was living in an apartment, and someone was stealing my laundry soap downstairs, I replaced the contents of the bottle with concentrated bleach. I casually called the tow truck on a bitchass of a neighbor upon realizing she was illegally parked...at 11pm, when I knew she'd have to run out in her PJs to stop him. And signed an ex up for an erectile dyfunction newsletter.
Rules to follow if taking a more direct approach to vengeance:Don't do permanent damage. Seriously, you can make someone suffer for a little while, but when you start taking money out of their pocket, that's not cool. Serve up justice, not a bit of injustice on your own part.
Don't begin a rumour mill of your own. Remeber how I said this was tacky? It always is, no matter what the reason.
Don't do anything illegal. Seriously. No asshole is worth it. Questioning the legality of your actions? Look it up in a law index online before you go. Signing someone up for a bunch of offers via mail IS illegal, it's a felony actually, because it's considered mail fraud.
Don't mess with family members or marriages. Just don't do that. It's not cool, and always outweighs whatever that person did to piss you off. I don't care how miserably the person dumped you, if they got married again, DON'T GO THERE.
Alright kiddies, ramp up your bitchatude, don't forget to tap into your inner peace, and rawk on!
