An Open Love Letter

The last few weeks have been quite trying in the hoodlum house. The days following my birthday have been such a mindfuckingly spectacular explosion, I honestly don't know where to begin. There's a lot I am going to leave out of this entry, because it's at this point something my therapist and I will have to be addressing in the next few weeks. Sorry for those looking for love life carnage, I won't be posting that today. I'll also actually be leaving the details of kiddo's school issues to a separate post, because it's going to be a very long winded explanation. This one has a purpose!

Sometimes this stuff gets to me. There's a lot I can brush off, but when it comes to issues surrounding Anthony, I do tend to implode. I can't help it, I just want the best for him, and when things get rough surrounding his education and needs, well...yea, I tend to take every detail very seriously. And I'm...god, I'm so tired of dealing with this alone. But then I look back, and I know I've been dealing with it alone for so long. I honestly don't know what it would be like to have a "supportive partner" by my side through this. I couldn't even imagine asking a partner to deal with all this.

But...then I see the support I do have. I really do have an amazing community of friends and family surrounding kiddo and I. I've spent countless hours just in the last week bawling, barely able to function under the weight of it all. But then someone calls, just to check on me because they read a facebook post. Dad will dutifully take me to whatever meetings I need to get to, and I get random offers from people offering to watch him so I can just breath for five seconds. Mary, Mike, Cheryl, and Paris...hell, you four alone have probably heard me sniffle through more tissue than a kleenex factory contains. Yes, there's way more than just four people, those are just the last few who've heard me within the last few days lose my sanity...

And when it gets ubearable and I feel like a useless wreck, just knowing there are people out there who care and will listen is all I need to get back up and get through it. I'm not the type who is comfortable reaching out for help sometimes...hell, look how long it actually took me to get my ass into therapy. But you, all of you, my wonderful friends and amazing family, you've all reached out and pulled me through this. You've pulled me through so much before, too. I don't think I'd have been a functioning human being two years ago had it not been for you.

So, consider this an open love letter to all the amazing people who surround me, support me, and inspire me. I appreciate you guys so much!!!

Dating a Single Mother...

OK, it occurs to me that guys just don't really get the concept of dating a single mother. I figured maybe I'd lay out a few explanations for those of you who wish to attempt this journey.

There's a few types of single moms out there, so you might want to figure out which kind you have in front of you. She'll either be like me, completely devoted to her child and trying to be a good parent, or...well, she's not. You'll know the latter, they usually spend little time at home, all too eagerly hire a sitter for all hours of the day, or will happily have you meet the kiddos right away. That last part is just more misguided than anything. Those are usually just quick to the meet because they are looking for a new baby daddy, or are completely oblivious to the ramifications of that kind of early interraction.

But here we're going to talk about the former, or more to the point...me. My son comes first in my life, and I am devoted to being a good parent and positive role model to him. So, therefor, dating someone like me comes with "restrictions".

First off...times of dating. If it's during the summer months (or weekends) our kids are at home during the day, so we tend to want to devote those daylight hours to just them. It's not that we don't like you, it's just that our kids are a priority, and we don't want to just dump them off at a daycare. Heck, most single parents are also battling our child's fear of abandonment issues, so we tend to e extra sensitive about taking our time away from them. This leaves dating strictly an evening activity. That's not a bad thing, there's plenty to do at night! You just have to be ok with that. Chances are if we're going out, I'll be hiring a sitter, so yea, I may be a little broke just starting the night. But we can still go out once a week, maybe twice on a good month. You don't have to avoid the residence outside of that, tho. If the parent is comfortable with you, they may open the door to you just coming over for a visit. There's lots to do at the home, chances are they are well equipped for evenings in. I tend to be the type that enjoys cooking dinner for the other person, and enjoying a glass of wine curled up on the couch. It's a nice evening, if mellowness is ok with you.

As far as spending the night goes...well, that's where it gets rough. You see, a good parent won't let you do that for a while. We don't want our child waking up to seeing a strange person in mommy's bed. And for your place, well, it's going to depend on the custody situation. If the parent in question has full time custody, they probably don't get evenings where they can leave the house for a whole night. So, it may be incredibly limited. In time, he/she can probably find an overnight sitter, but you have to understand that with that comes a huge amount of "mommy guilt" by leaving our child, not to mention there's still a time restriction to come back the next day to retrieve the wee one. But if there's any visitation at all, she'll be able to spend the night at your place perhaps once or twice a month (at the beginning).

This doesn't mean the parent is just interested in you being an occasional booty call, in fact, probably far from! Just because we have a priority in our life doesn't mean we don't hope for another. Chances are we want a relationship, too, otherwise we wouldn't bother having you over in the first place. I myself really miss having a relationship in my life. I'd love to have someone come over that I can cook for, laugh with, cuddle with, and hey, maybe even fall in love down the road. And I'd absolutely love to wake up next to someone. I think I actually miss that the most. Not many have stuck around long enough to get past the limitations, which is very unfortunate.

And hey, in time, if you have been patient with the initial restrictions...they do get better. Once the parent in question is comfortable with you and convinced that you aren't an asshole, she'll probably arrange a meeting between you and the offspring (for me, this is right around the time we've talked about monogamy, about 1 or 2 months in). Usually this happens in a neutral environment, one where the child isn't too overly concerned about loosing attention. Think park, or zoo. She'll probably be a bit more focused on the kiddo, too, ensuring the child isn't uncomfortable with you, and probably watching you for signs of panic. Get through that meeting, and you'll see that things get easier. Since the child knows you, she'll probably be ok with you spending the night at that point. Granted, be prepared that when it's wake up time, she'll have to be primarily a mom, getting the child ready for school or perhaps just making breakfast. Sleepovers don't get to continue with lazing in bed and having sex with coffee, unfortunately. But you are being accepted as a presence in both of their lives.

If you have hit this point, perhaps you can move onto "phase 2" of dating a single parent, and trust me, this is the fun part. Having a kid is pretty fun, and there's lots to do with the wee one. There's day trips to the beach or local farms, amusement parks and museums, a whole world out there of fun to explore. Holidays are usually a lot more festive than you could have pictured, and you'll get the benefit of reliving bits of your own childhood as you once again get to enjoy trick or treating and planning for visits from santa.

And don't think that this just means she'll only want you two to spend time with her child. Most of us really need our grown up time, too. Going out to a restaurant or a show, or simply hitting a bar to have a drink, these are all activities we'll want to continue to enjoy. And because we appreciate these moments, we'll want to share them with you. In fact, chances are, we'll be the most appreciative people you'll ever see in the dating world. Our time away from home is precious and rare, so it means a lot more to us when there's someone out there we want to spend it with. And we want you to see us as the individual we are, not just a parent. If you can appreciate both sides of us, we'll be eternally pleased.

Oh, and one more thing...just because we've had one, doesn't mean we've decided we're "done". Some of us want more children, and want to grow our family with another person. You should probably come to terms with your own wants before you get too involved. It's a big decision to join a woman with a child, and yet another to figure out if you want your own with her. Try to have that priority figured out ahead of time. The older we get, the less time we have to waste on someone who has no clue what they want.

So, there you have it. It's not easy, especially not at the beginning. But with a little time and patience, this can be an intensely rewarding and meaningful relationship.

By the way...things you should never do while dating one of us:

Complain about the initial restrictions. We already know they suck.

Make us feel guilty about those issues. Trust me, we already do.

Assume that we're just a good booty call. If we wanted that, most of us could go get that, or have become well equipped with battery operated devices. We have feelings, too.

Assume that there will never be a good relationship. Obviously, we've been in at least one. And if we can make our child a priority, we can also make you one.

Reset button

I think I've reached yet another one of those points in time where I need to "reset". I've been feeling over the last month a building...angst, I suppose. I haven't felt myself, much more tightly wound, irritable, defensive. I've just been off. I feel like I am needing to get back in touch with myself, tho.

I think it's actually because of this latest round of "sharona's attempt at dating". I've really never hated it as much as I have been lately! But gah...this time...
It's weird, I feel like right now would've been the "perfect time". I'm off school just for the summer, so I would've had the chance to get to know someone before the school year kicked back up and dragged me into distraction. The weather is gorgeous, allowing for many options for outings, and..well, I was feeling pretty well together with myself. I know exactly who I am, and what I have (and don't have) to offer. I'm very comfortable with that. And I've finally honed in on what it is I want (and don't want). Perhaps it was because the last relationship I was in actually was a good one. There was nothing wrong with him at all! And we had a great thing there, for a bit. Just because the flame sort of sputtered doesn't mean it was a bad model. It just blew out, and that's that. Honestly, I think Dave was the best thing that could've happened to me. He accepted me for exactly who I am, didn't try to confine me, was attentive without being obsessive, he was great! I adore the man for who he is, and there's an astoundingly lucky girl out there in his future, I'm sure. And I think that's probably why we are able to stay friends.

So I was pretty optimistic when I got back out there. And then...the parade of ick.

Of course, it always starts with the barrage of messages from people who I have zero interest in (and seriously wonder what on earth they would want with a woman like me). I know I'm a rather unique package, so it's going to take another one to work. I get that. But then, oh...the dates.

What it boils down to is this past month has been disappointment after HORROR after disappointment. The highlights:

• Watching her down 4 beers in a row, while I sipped at one. She bragged about how grateful she was to not have children.
• Anytime I spoke of my interests, he completely glazed over, almost comatose.
• He blathered for 2 HOURS about his goddamn car, then his giant house, and then his income.
• He was perfect through dates one and two...then I stupidly slept with him and he turned into a giggling fratboy that high fived me.
• My favourites! The "well, I'm actually just sort of curious about the whole bi thing" girls. Fucking two of them. In a row.
• The "super dad", has 3 of his own, "can't wait" to meet mine (dude, you're gonna be waiting a looooooooooooong time).
• The one who actually bored me to sleep. Seriously, I was nodding off.
• The asshole who referred to my studies as "cute", and how lovely it would be to have a wife with her "little practice on the side of the house". Oh my god I almost punched him.
  
• The perrenial teenager. yea, I had two juveniles in a row, apparently.

So, yea. Pretty bad. And I think I used to be ok with that, but for some reason, it's got me all out of whack. I actually went out with someone whom I liked, and proceeded to completely blow it because I was just feeling all kinds of icky about humans. I had a total wall up, and got really hyper defensive to every little thing he said, and practically ripped him open. I was so convinced that he was just some bullshiter who was toying with me.
*granted, he may actually be that, but the verdict is still out, because after I snapped out of it we had a decent conversation. We are, however, firmly in "friendship zone".

I feel like I've started to form that very negativity that I despise in other people. I tend to be a pretty happy go lucky gal, and I like being that way. I like having fun, and laughing, and seeing the good in so many people. I hate the fact that I've just been tearing people down, one after another, or feeling like I'm torn down myself. Goddamn, Dating is downright unhealthy for one's mentality!

I'm going to reset, then. Definitely cancelling the Plenty Of Fish account, seriously, I've not met a single decent person on there. The OKC I'll leave up, but probably neglect. I'm canceling the date I had this week, and don't see myself accepting any new offers, either. I need to regroup, get back to me. I can't be this "amazing woman up for grabs" if I'm stomping around all angry like, I need to get back to that zen contentment. I felt like I was so ready, because I was out of something feeling great, but maybe I should just enjoy feeling great and stop being "ready". After all, it is a beautiful summer we have ahead of us. I've got a little time off work, and a crazy awesome group of friends. I have a list of things I want to do, and enough people to do them with. As for romance...meh, I have batteries, right? I'd rather just enjoy being the woman I know I am, happy, content, fairly carefree, and loving life as it is. I'm far from "alone", I have a dynamite lil guy next to me every day, loving his momma for who she is. And that's all I ever really asked for!

Every Woman, huh?

Lord knows I make an odd example of femininity. Cheryl always said I was quite girly, tho, but I think because I happen to know my way around the kitchen. Culinary skill does not a "woman" make, tho, in my opinion. Not that I've ever been super clear on what does make a woman...I just know I don't do well at a lot of womanly pursuits (fashion, makeup, social graces, seduction, etc), especially when I look at how much emphasis women's magazines put on those things. I just don't read those rags, they always had a way of making me feel insecure. Every time I try to embrace that side of life and buy a Cosmo, I end up in a mild panic two hours later as I try and figure out how to apply eye shadow and lament at the obvious inadequacy of my wardrobe.
I didn't even really mean to stumble on this article, for some reason it was attached to a cooking article I was reading. *sigh* My one bit of domestication, I suppose.

Self Magazine's "8 Things Every Woman Should Know" I thought could have been rather helpful, but instead left me feeling a bit bitter about the re-domestication of women in our society. While I think some of these things are helpful skills for any person to know, they are far from necessary. To imply that specifically women should know them...well, I found it chauvinistic. Let's go over their list, shall we?

Sew a Button: Well, ok, but I think this is one of those "every person" type things. especially considering men typically wear shirts that have delicate buttons that constantly pop off.

Tie a necktie: I've never learned how to do this. Why? Because I don't wear neckties. To me, this is like telling a man he should know how to adjust corset laces. Cute, but not something to put on a "should know" list...

Do a basic waltz: I blame "Dancing with the stars" for this appearing on any damn list. I mean, seriously, how could this possibly be helpful...ever?!

Hang a picture: ok, again, something all humans should know. This and the next one seem to me to be more suited for "things every young person about to live on their own should know".

Throw a yard sale: why it needs to be more complicated than "put your unwanted crap outside" is beyond me...

Compost: every man, woman, and child should know this. I'm glad it appeared on any list.

Roast a chicken: ...but I don't like chicken....

Mix the perfect Martini: wait, what? I'm sorry, putting this and the necktie thing on a list like this made me think the list was written in the damn fifties. Are we all to be expecting James Bond to walk in the door with a crooked tie, ask us to dance, and quite possibly need to be fed? I mean, really??

Build a Fire: wow, the only one I could actually agree with. Yes, women should know how to do this.

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*Sigh* I'm curious, what would've appeared on a list of things every man should know? How to golf, read sports statistics, things like that? God help whoever writes one based on this one, and puts "how to order your martini" on it...

Heck, I'd put a bunch of this stuff above on a list for men. Tie your own damn neckties, and feed me for a change.

But I don't think I've ever seen a list of things for men. And I'm not a man, so I can't begin to write one. And I'm sure if I was feeling even snarkier I could come up with a decent one, which would no doubt would contain knowing how to make the perfect creme brulee and how to properly manipulate jewelry clasps so we don't have to fumble with necklaces behind our heads.

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But I think I can put together a list of a few things every woman should know, so here:

How to prepare basic meals: While I think the whole "roast chicken" things smacks of over-domesticity and Martha Stewart, it does worry me to see women depending on fast food or those atrocious ready made frozen meals that are marketed to the feminine demographic. Lean Cuisine? bleeeech.

How to effectively manage finances: I'm not talking about going as indepth as setting up an IRA and managing mutual funds, but I think every woman should know how to keep that checkbook as close to above water as possible. Far to many of us are clueless here, and yes I do lump myself in there. I'm in Chapter 13 bankruptcy because of my failings, not to mention managed to get screwed not just once but TWICE by living with a significant other who bled me dry.

Basic Auto & home maintanance: I don't have a car to fiddle with, but you are damn right I can fix most of my own household problems. I replace my own toilet parts, fix the clogged sink, and replace the garbage disposal when needed. I've replaced electrical sockets and fixed cabinets. I've taught the cable dude a thing or two. Incidentally, the ability to do these things comes from two places. 1) the packages for most of the stuf you need to replace (toilet plunger, for example) come with detailed instructions. 2) GOOGLE. Seriously.

How to ask for a raise: We all complain about making 75 cents to a man's dollar, but half of the reason is because we act too meek to freaking ASK for it. Don't be emotional, don't be squirelly girlly, just demand a damn raise.

How to fix/alter your own clothing: Women's clothing is cheap and abundant, and many would rather just chuck that cute pair of pants or skirt because the seam split. Save yourself the cost of a wardrobe and pick up a book on needle basics.

How to find a therapist: Or at least stop listening to magazines like Cosmo and Self for your damn relationship advice. About the only thing I find helpful in them is the rare makeup tip that works for a freakishly pale Italian, and a few work out changes to my routine. Their sex advice? I dare you to ask a man to actually read them and tell you if it'll work on them. I'm going to guess he'll be horrified. Relationship advice? Are you FUCKING serious? If women are actually following the advice in these things, its amazing more men haven't switched to the other team (or just checked into loony bins, because that shit would drive any human crazy). Seriously, THERAPY girls. It does amazing things for you.

Bucket List of 2011

I have never liked the idea of creating New Year's Resolutions, I never seem to get them done, and I always feel guilty come December at how little I've accomplished. I'd prefer to let my life changes just happen as they need to. But! I decided it would be fun to create a list of things I would like to do this year, an attempt to keep myself active and seeking adventure. I had a lot of fun last year on adventures with my friends, so I am hoping to keep the momentum going in 2011. I have a great sitter, and my dad is willing to sit here for an evening in a pinch, so I have very little excuse outside of costs. But I am determined to make "experience" a priority, because I am enjoying life far too much to stop! I felt like I let this part of my life slide a little last year when I dated Jesse, and I'm not sure why. Perhaps it was because he couldn't join me, I felt guilty going out and doing things without him. But that's ridiculous. Even if I end up coupling off with someone, I would still want to be doing these things with friends. If I had a particular partner in crime, awesome! But it's not necessary, and if he/she can't make it out for something, I should be able to go with others.

If any of these ideas appeal to you, please let me know! I need adventure buddies.

More SIFFing! Dave and I did the SciFi Film Fest, and it was awesome. I always saw other people attending SIFF events, and wondered what all the hulabaloo was about. But after enjoying this one so much, I am eager to snap up more of their event calendars. I saw that April is their big animation month, so I am hoping to hit several of those ones.

Spend an entire day wandering through the Woodinville Wineries. There's a massive collection of them out there, and I had no idea til I happened to see a brochure. I've decided this is definitely high on the list!

Do the Seattle Gourmet Chocolate Tour. Yea, it's 50$ a person, I don't care. CHOCOLATE.

Take kiddo to a few of the U-pick farms in the area. Yea, this will more than likely be a late spring/summer thing. We had such a blast out at Beringer for Halloween, and that will now be the spot of choice come pumpkin pickin' time.

New restaurants/new cuisine. I'm a foodie in a foodie lovin' town. In this past month alone I've tried a bunch of new dishes and places I'd never heard of. I want to continue the trend as long as I can afford it, and find other foodie nuts willing to go along! At the end of the year I'll make a list of the best of the best, but so far, everything I've done is fantastic. I may just start posting random restaurants to try on facebook and see if anyone says they're game for a night.

Attempt to hone my beer palette. We live in microbrew mecca! I'd like to get together with a few friends who know more about this and try a tasting somewhere.

Visit the gardens of the NW. I got a brochure the other day, and became enthralled. We have so many beautiful botanical gardens here! I only saw a few several years ago when I was attempting to plan my wedding. I'd love to see the japanese gardens, and spend more time down at the arboretum.

Attend more of the SAM and PacSci events. My membership to one opened up a slew of options, and I am probably going to use some tax return dollars to member it up at the other. Seriously, we live in a city that has so many cool things going on in their museums, I'm an idiot not to have done this sooner.

Enjoy Seattle festival season this summer. I only ever go to a few of the events, and I don't see why I don't attend more. Folklife? of course. Bite of Seattle? I'd be crazy not to! Prety much every weekend there's a nifty deal going at the seattle center, I just need to get kiddo and I on a bus.

Take advantage of the parks/beaches this spring. Anthony and I have 4 kites. We love them. We need to use them more.

Visit the Burke Museum, and the Asian Art museum. I am horrified to admit that these are the two I have yet to visit, and I've lived here 13 years. I aim to cross these off the list this year.

More music! Jamison is my go to concert buddy, but I did not get nearly enough of this awesome action last year. Must correct in 2011! Granted, I can't go to the big stuff because of my allergies, but the small house shows are a crazy good time and I need to get more of these on the calendar. So friends, if you know of a band you think I'd even remotely like, give me enough notice for a sitter and I will join you for some booty shakin' fun.

More...well, you get the idea. What is life without adventure? Dull. So, come on...who wants to come live a little with me? :-)

Shut up, lil birdies!!

Well, after a lot of deliberation, I booked the "appointment o' doom" at Planned Parenthood. It was time for the whole you-know-what testing, but more specifically, to get pap'd. I hate them. I feel that clutch of worry in my throat every time, more so without insurance. I think once you test "abnormal", you'll always get that fear. And with it comes the bigger fear, what would I do? I can't afford the treatments that follow that! I had insurance last time, so the biopsies and following treatment were all covered. But holy crap, trying to afford cancer treatment on my own thin dime? *sigh* We'll know in 7 days. No news is good news, they say.

It just wasn't a pleasant moment, period. I was told that I qualified for a program that would allow all this to be done for free (the testing and exams, at least), but when I got there, they said my income was too high. When I asked how much the appointment would cost...

$400.

I couldn't help it, I started crying. And I was even more embarrassed that I was crying, that I cried even more. I mean, I have to get my annual done, I'd been having some pains and weird bleeding all last month. Once you've heard the C word before, you can't just ignore warning signs. But...$400? Where the fuck was I going to get that? I only had $200 in my account. She let me know they'd take a payment plan, and I suppose that helped ease my horror. But FUCK.

Yea, I know, the Canadian border looks so good. I can't believe that reproductive health testing has to cost so damn much. That evil cunt from DSHS who rudely told me "don't get sick" when denying me health coverage just rings through my head.

Well, it's over, and I just get to stare at my phone for a few days. Oddly, they were able to cover my pills, and even shoved a bunch of Plan B pills into my bag. Huh. I explained that I wasn't in a relationship, but I got the stern "you ARE sexually active, tho", and just took them. They aren't wrong, although I militantly use condoms, so it hasn't been an issue. Yea, I know by that I shouldn't have to get tested, but I do because I am all kinds of paranoid. And that paranoia has served to keep me completely clean for my entire sexual history, so I don't see a point in changin'! Anyways...that happened.

So, you know that feeling when you start digging someone...when you feel like little pink hearts are falling out of your ears, and there's little cartoon birds floating around twittering above your head, like in a disney movie? Yea, well, I kinda want to snatch the bird out of the air and squeeze him and growl "not YET, you little fuckers!!!"

*sigh* I'm kinda diggin' someone, but not really sure how I feel about that. We've only been out a few times, but I feel like he's someone I could definitely...well, I'll use his words "there's a lot of potential". Thinking about him in my life isn't scary. He actually fits there pretty well. And he's a lot of the stuff I was hoping to find, but pessimistic on actually finding. Very intelligent, we have a BUNCH in common, makes me laugh, attractive, laid back, independent, passionate about his world, likes the idea of kids, all that awesome stuff. His work frequently takes him out of town, which means he's around enough to make me happy, but away enough to let me continue doing my own thing. Oh, he's super respectful of my mama-boundaries. When I realized how understand and accommodating he was to that aspect, I almost fell over. But...oh, there's always a but....

I don't have a clue how he feels, other than that he's still content to be seeing me, but also other people right now. I just kinda nodded my head on that one. I...well, can't really do that. I mean, obviously it's logistically impossible. I really only have enough time to entertain one romance at a time. And I just can't really be like that. If I start liking someone in particular, I drop the others because I want to see where it's going to go with them. I'd rather just let them have what little attention I can put on that part of my life on them. *sigh* monogamous to a fault.

So, here I am feeling all kinds of awkward. I certainly didn't plan on liking someone (but do I ever plan on it?). I feel myself starting to slide over to being swoony over him and it frustrates me. I see an upcoming event and naturally click over the assumption he'd be the one to go with. Then I mentally rap my own knuckles with a ruler and tell myself to knock it off. I don't think he's at the "plus one" stage yet, and I feel really, really stupid getting there first. I've been actually making a concerted effort to continue to date others, but all I can do is sit there thinking they aren't even close to this guy. I even landed a date with a girl I've had a crush on for a LONG time, and what did I do? Immediately texted him after just to continue the conversation we were having before I left the house. FAIL. And when I find myself texting something slightly romantic...well, he gets all quiet, and that reminds me to shut up...then do it again an hour later.

See, this is why I don't like dating!!

Another year, another "restart"

Well, this year definitely started out with a bump in the road, but not in the cataclysmal fashion as the last. I hate to downgrade the ending of my relationship with Jesse as merely a bump in the road, but in the grand scheme of things, yea, merely a bump, and a very swiftly learned set of lessons to put in place for this year.

1) Long Distance relationships are not an option for me.

2) Serious relationships aren't going to be, either. more on this in a sec.

The Long distance aspect...*sigh* While on the outside it seemed like an ideal situation, it just gradually fell into badness. I missed him terribly, and apparently he likewise. The distance seemed to prevent the relationship from really getting off the ground (although it could've just been me). Because of our physical absence, neither could really grasp the others' life needs. It created distrust, on his part. It was ultimately unfair to him, as I could not meet him equally in the travel aspect. Although I explained this in the beginning, and he seemed to grasp it at first, it was a big part of our downfall. He confronted me about a month prior to our implosion about wanting me to contribute more to the travelling, and I saw the bell slowly tolling upon us. I can't travel, plain and simple. I can't just leave my son behind on a frequent basis. I can't afford the time off. I'm in class, so I can't make room in my schedule. I can't afford the trips, either. There's no "make the effort" about it, I just can't. Yea, we had some other issues, too, but this was the be all end all one. The part that stung was that instead of ending in a peaceful manner, where we could acknowledge maybe trying again when I move up there in a few years, it just exploded over a misunderstanding. That misunderstanding leads me to reality number 2.

Relationships...I think I've now come to the simple truth that it's not going to be happening for me. I'm ok with that now. I was before he and I got involved. After the trauma of January '10, I came out on the other side a peaceful and happy person, at home in my own skin and reveling in my independence. I said before and I'll say again, I like my life how it is right now. Just me and kiddo, living through the storms and doing our own thing. My life is complete without another person.

While that would on the outside make for a great mental space to have a relationship, my life does not. I'm a single, full time mother of a developmentally disabled child. I'm in school. I'm independent. Those three things, more emphatically the first, are the kiss of death to me having a partner, apparently. Finding a person who can actually come into this life is going to be close to impossible, and frankly, I don't care.

Yea, I know other single parents manage to find love. Bully for them. But...it's just been too much of a roadblock! My son is here all the time. I am completely devoted to him. Jesse seemed to understand...but I don't think he truly did, and I can't blame him. He'd never had a child, and I don't think it was a priority to him. And that's a fact with most people I find date-able in my age group. But it limits my life in ways they don't get.

I can't drop everything in a nanosecond to deal with a partner's crisis, and you're damn right, that's not ok. But it's my reality. My kid's here, wanting dinner, or needing help with homework, or having a meltdown. So when you call because you are angry with me, yea, I'm going to have to tell you the conversation needs to happen at a later time in the evening. Sorry. You are horny? Chances are, I am too, but it's 6pm and kiddo's not in bed yet, and I still have to finish my paper for class. Can you wait til 9? *sigh* nah, didn't think so. You want to go away for the weekend? Unless it's only twice a year or so, this isn't going to happen. My son is only at his dad's house 2 days a month, I'd have to rearrange work schedule and probably can't do it during the school term. Heck, I can really only go out a few nights of the week, and I don't stay up past midnight very often. I try my best to be as open and communicative as possible, but I can't be there all the time. I've got a lot of shit going on in my life, and sometimes I do need to just mentally shut down.

I really do care about my partners, I do! I tried to be a devoted girlfriend within my limitations. I was incredibly devoted to Scott, apparently too much. I call/text when I can. I'll write love letters. Every time Jesse was down, I'd hand-make one of my cards, write a thoughtful note, and hide it in his bag. I made him that crazy tapestry. And I always tried to show him a lovely time when he came down, whether it was exploring the city, or cooking together, or playing together. Every part of that I would love to see in my next relationship. But for most folks, that's not enough, and I guess I can't fault them for that. After all, a relationship with me is going to be compromise after compromise on their part. They'll be coming here more than I will ever be at their place. In person visits and even lengthy communication has to happen around my hectic schedule. Add to the mix that my interests are entirely solitary, and it's sort of a done deal.

I've heard from a few friends "well, you might eventually find the right person who can hang with all that". Well, yea, and we might elect a gay president next year. Doesn't mean I am going to, and I just can't get my hopes up anymore. I have too much to focus on right now. It sucks a bit, sure. I've met some cool people being back on OKC, but have already been "weeded out" because of my stance on not wanting to get involved, and going friends only. Super bummer, because one of the guys who nixed me was actually pretty cool, and under normal circumstances, I would even try to convince him I'm an ok catch. But...well, why go through the trouble of the dance when I don't have a lot of me to offer someone? That's not very fair to them.

So, as Anthony says so adorably, "It's me, you, and Smoosh!" And we're cool with that, which is awesome. So why mess with a good thing? I've got batteries. I have a ton of love within me, and luckily have some amazing friends I can dump all of that love onto. And I can date, and hang out, and simply enjoy companionship. I can't think to really ask for more!