1) Long Distance relationships are not an option for me.
2) Serious relationships aren't going to be, either. more on this in a sec.
The Long distance aspect...*sigh* While on the outside it seemed like an ideal situation, it just gradually fell into badness. I missed him terribly, and apparently he likewise. The distance seemed to prevent the relationship from really getting off the ground (although it could've just been me). Because of our physical absence, neither could really grasp the others' life needs. It created distrust, on his part. It was ultimately unfair to him, as I could not meet him equally in the travel aspect. Although I explained this in the beginning, and he seemed to grasp it at first, it was a big part of our downfall. He confronted me about a month prior to our implosion about wanting me to contribute more to the travelling, and I saw the bell slowly tolling upon us. I can't travel, plain and simple. I can't just leave my son behind on a frequent basis. I can't afford the time off. I'm in class, so I can't make room in my schedule. I can't afford the trips, either. There's no "make the effort" about it, I just can't. Yea, we had some other issues, too, but this was the be all end all one. The part that stung was that instead of ending in a peaceful manner, where we could acknowledge maybe trying again when I move up there in a few years, it just exploded over a misunderstanding. That misunderstanding leads me to reality number 2.
Relationships...I think I've now come to the simple truth that it's not going to be happening for me. I'm ok with that now. I was before he and I got involved. After the trauma of January '10, I came out on the other side a peaceful and happy person, at home in my own skin and reveling in my independence. I said before and I'll say again, I like my life how it is right now. Just me and kiddo, living through the storms and doing our own thing. My life is complete without another person.
While that would on the outside make for a great mental space to have a relationship, my life does not. I'm a single, full time mother of a developmentally disabled child. I'm in school. I'm independent. Those three things, more emphatically the first, are the kiss of death to me having a partner, apparently. Finding a person who can actually come into this life is going to be close to impossible, and frankly, I don't care.
Yea, I know other single parents manage to find love. Bully for them. But...it's just been too much of a roadblock! My son is here all the time. I am completely devoted to him. Jesse seemed to understand...but I don't think he truly did, and I can't blame him. He'd never had a child, and I don't think it was a priority to him. And that's a fact with most people I find date-able in my age group. But it limits my life in ways they don't get.
I can't drop everything in a nanosecond to deal with a partner's crisis, and you're damn right, that's not ok. But it's my reality. My kid's here, wanting dinner, or needing help with homework, or having a meltdown. So when you call because you are angry with me, yea, I'm going to have to tell you the conversation needs to happen at a later time in the evening. Sorry. You are horny? Chances are, I am too, but it's 6pm and kiddo's not in bed yet, and I still have to finish my paper for class. Can you wait til 9? *sigh* nah, didn't think so. You want to go away for the weekend? Unless it's only twice a year or so, this isn't going to happen. My son is only at his dad's house 2 days a month, I'd have to rearrange work schedule and probably can't do it during the school term. Heck, I can really only go out a few nights of the week, and I don't stay up past midnight very often. I try my best to be as open and communicative as possible, but I can't be there all the time. I've got a lot of shit going on in my life, and sometimes I do need to just mentally shut down.
I really do care about my partners, I do! I tried to be a devoted girlfriend within my limitations. I was incredibly devoted to Scott, apparently too much. I call/text when I can. I'll write love letters. Every time Jesse was down, I'd hand-make one of my cards, write a thoughtful note, and hide it in his bag. I made him that crazy tapestry. And I always tried to show him a lovely time when he came down, whether it was exploring the city, or cooking together, or playing together. Every part of that I would love to see in my next relationship. But for most folks, that's not enough, and I guess I can't fault them for that. After all, a relationship with me is going to be compromise after compromise on their part. They'll be coming here more than I will ever be at their place. In person visits and even lengthy communication has to happen around my hectic schedule. Add to the mix that my interests are entirely solitary, and it's sort of a done deal.
I've heard from a few friends "well, you might eventually find the right person who can hang with all that". Well, yea, and we might elect a gay president next year. Doesn't mean I am going to, and I just can't get my hopes up anymore. I have too much to focus on right now. It sucks a bit, sure. I've met some cool people being back on OKC, but have already been "weeded out" because of my stance on not wanting to get involved, and going friends only. Super bummer, because one of the guys who nixed me was actually pretty cool, and under normal circumstances, I would even try to convince him I'm an ok catch. But...well, why go through the trouble of the dance when I don't have a lot of me to offer someone? That's not very fair to them.
So, as Anthony says so adorably, "It's me, you, and Smoosh!" And we're cool with that, which is awesome. So why mess with a good thing? I've got batteries. I have a ton of love within me, and luckily have some amazing friends I can dump all of that love onto. And I can date, and hang out, and simply enjoy companionship. I can't think to really ask for more!
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