Well, after a lot of deliberation, I booked the "appointment o' doom" at Planned Parenthood. It was time for the whole you-know-what testing, but more specifically, to get pap'd. I hate them. I feel that clutch of worry in my throat every time, more so without insurance. I think once you test "abnormal", you'll always get that fear. And with it comes the bigger fear, what would I do? I can't afford the treatments that follow that! I had insurance last time, so the biopsies and following treatment were all covered. But holy crap, trying to afford cancer treatment on my own thin dime? *sigh* We'll know in 7 days. No news is good news, they say.
It just wasn't a pleasant moment, period. I was told that I qualified for a program that would allow all this to be done for free (the testing and exams, at least), but when I got there, they said my income was too high. When I asked how much the appointment would cost...
$400.
I couldn't help it, I started crying. And I was even more embarrassed that I was crying, that I cried even more. I mean, I have to get my annual done, I'd been having some pains and weird bleeding all last month. Once you've heard the C word before, you can't just ignore warning signs. But...$400? Where the fuck was I going to get that? I only had $200 in my account. She let me know they'd take a payment plan, and I suppose that helped ease my horror. But FUCK.
Yea, I know, the Canadian border looks so good. I can't believe that reproductive health testing has to cost so damn much. That evil cunt from DSHS who rudely told me "don't get sick" when denying me health coverage just rings through my head.
Well, it's over, and I just get to stare at my phone for a few days. Oddly, they were able to cover my pills, and even shoved a bunch of Plan B pills into my bag. Huh. I explained that I wasn't in a relationship, but I got the stern "you ARE sexually active, tho", and just took them. They aren't wrong, although I militantly use condoms, so it hasn't been an issue. Yea, I know by that I shouldn't have to get tested, but I do because I am all kinds of paranoid. And that paranoia has served to keep me completely clean for my entire sexual history, so I don't see a point in changin'! Anyways...that happened.
*sigh* I'm kinda diggin' someone, but not really sure how I feel about that. We've only been out a few times, but I feel like he's someone I could definitely...well, I'll use his words "there's a lot of potential". Thinking about him in my life isn't scary. He actually fits there pretty well. And he's a lot of the stuff I was hoping to find, but pessimistic on actually finding. Very intelligent, we have a BUNCH in common, makes me laugh, attractive, laid back, independent, passionate about his world, likes the idea of kids, all that awesome stuff. His work frequently takes him out of town, which means he's around enough to make me happy, but away enough to let me continue doing my own thing. Oh, he's super respectful of my mama-boundaries. When I realized how understand and accommodating he was to that aspect, I almost fell over. But...oh, there's always a but....
I don't have a clue how he feels, other than that he's still content to be seeing me, but also other people right now. I just kinda nodded my head on that one. I...well, can't really do that. I mean, obviously it's logistically impossible. I really only have enough time to entertain one romance at a time. And I just can't really be like that. If I start liking someone in particular, I drop the others because I want to see where it's going to go with them. I'd rather just let them have what little attention I can put on that part of my life on them. *sigh* monogamous to a fault.
So, here I am feeling all kinds of awkward. I certainly didn't plan on liking someone (but do I ever plan on it?). I feel myself starting to slide over to being swoony over him and it frustrates me. I see an upcoming event and naturally click over the assumption he'd be the one to go with. Then I mentally rap my own knuckles with a ruler and tell myself to knock it off. I don't think he's at the "plus one" stage yet, and I feel really, really stupid getting there first. I've been actually making a concerted effort to continue to date others, but all I can do is sit there thinking they aren't even close to this guy. I even landed a date with a girl I've had a crush on for a LONG time, and what did I do? Immediately texted him after just to continue the conversation we were having before I left the house. FAIL. And when I find myself texting something slightly romantic...well, he gets all quiet, and that reminds me to shut up...then do it again an hour later.
See, this is why I don't like dating!!
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