Bitchatude 101

There's no doubt you've put together reading this that I can be a raging bitch at times. I have a notoriously hot temper, I'm stubborn, and unafraid to speak my mind. But ya know what? There is actually a certain grace and skill to being an effective bitch that many women (or men) simply have not mastered. If you don't take extra care in your bitchiness, you get labeled as a 'nasty bitch', 'annoying bitch', or the worst and most aggravating of all...'dumb bitch'. Since I have come across more than my fair share of these lesser bitches, I figured I would compile a nice little how to on being an effective bitch. So take out your number 2 pencil, kiddies, it's time to sit and learn.
Lesson 1: Bitching with purpose.
Being a bitch for absolutely no reason is silly and rude, and can often times only get you into more trouble than it's ever worth. If you want to be a raging bitch at all times, be my guest, you'll probably end up getting yourself into far more unnecessary tangles in life than I would ever recommend. If you really feel that being a bitch at a particular moment is warranted, well, then, you're now bitching with MEANING. Unleashing your bitchatude at only key moments in life will make you a highly effective bitch, because it will keep idiots off guard, and let them know that you mean business. Pick your battles. If you don't, you will be known as a Chronic bitch and no one will pay attention when an issue is truly bitchworthy.
Lesson2: Bitch with a brain.
Nobody hates anything worse than a dumb bitch. If you feel that ire rising and your bitchiness coming forth, you better know what the hell you are mad about (and subsequently about to bitch about). Bitching about politics? You better damn well know both sides of the fence and what you are arguing. Bitching about a policy somewhere? Know why it's there and why it's a bitchworthy policy. Bitching about someone doing something that irritated you? Know why they did it and the infinite better ways they could have done it. Educated bitching is effective in that it can't be ignored. When you are right, and they are wrong, and you can prove it, your bitch level raises to a whole new spectrum.
Lesson 3: There's a time and a place to be a bitch.
And guess what, 9 times out of 10...it AIN'T in the workplace. If you work in a place where you wear a nametag, do NOT have that nametag on when you are bitching. It's like saying "Hi, here's my name and a means to contact a manager who can make my life truly hell all because I got in your face", and will backfire on you EVERY time. Even if you were following lessons 1 & 2, if you don't bother with this particular piece of self restraint you might as well go back to being a chronic dumb bitch. Also, try not to be a bitch in front of your kids. Having a wee one there observing potentially awful behavior on your part will only make the receiver of your bitching feel sympathy for them, and disgust for you. However, there are ways of getting around this, which brings us to...
Lesson 4: Stealth Bitching
Being an effective bitch is really seen when practicing the art of being a sneaky bitch. This requires practicing lesson 3, but still getting your bitch on when absolutely necessary. How do you do this? Well, it's easy, but it completely belies the seemingly obvious path. Simply put...kill them with kindness. Why is this considered bitchy? It catches the receiver totally offguard. They may have backed you into a corner, expecting you to unleash holy hell upon them, and instead you throw a curve ball and smile sweetly and wish them a nice day. Your completely serene composure can completely unnerve a person. Now, despite the fact that you can be mentally rattling off every obscenity in the book at this person, a saccharine smile paired with eyes filled with undying hate can make a person completely wet themselves if done with practiced poise. It also allows you to later perform the most insidious of all bitchiness, found in our final lesson...
Lesson 5: Plotting Evil Bitch with a vengeance.
This is the category I fall under, which is why those who know me feel my wrath is something of an unholy creation to be avoided at all times. I bitch only when provoked (lesson 1), I am smart and know what I am bitching about (lesson 2), I pick my battles carefully (lesson 3), and will delay all acts of smite and have a person unnerved before exacting vengeance (lesson 4). The final unleashing of my bitchitude, if truly warranted, is executed in much more devilish ways than simply being a violent bitch. Note to reader: never be a violent bitch unless yours or your offspring's life is in danger. Violence is never a good policy EVER, and will only lead to dire consequences. There are much more damaging ways to be a bitch than throwing a sucker punch. You take time to figure out your prey, and then swoop in for the kill in ways that will truly make them or anyone think twice about getting in your crosshairs ever again. My next post will be all about the art of being a Sneaky Bitch, but in the meantime, study the lessons above.