As we all know, mama's biggest irritation in life is being surrounded by stupid people. Dear God, they are everywhere. I wish they'd wear little signs around their necks so we could know when they were coming. You know who these people are. They write checks in the grocery store for a candybar, and can't figure out the Uscan system (seriously, what is so fucking hard when the little voice says 'please scan your first item'?! There's a goddamn picture!!). They cannot comprehend why you must have exact change to ride the bus. The concept of a cup size at a coffee shop being referred to by it's ounce measurement is beyond them. But most of all, they feel the need to talk to ME. And then I am forced to fend off a volly of stupid, stupid questions.
So, dear readers, I share a few of the more common ones with you, as well as they delightfully obscure answers I've created to them. Most are designed to scare the piss out of the ignorant moron asking them. Feel free to swipe these, as most likely a few of you have had to deal with these inane queries yourself.
Is that a tattoo?
Motherhoodlum answers:
Nope, a very intricate birthmark.
What (grab arm and stare) DEAR GOD, where did THAT come from?!?!?!
Inevitably this is followed by...Did it hurt?
Motherhoodlum answers:
No, it felt...wonderful. (immediately adopt a glazed over stare. Drooling is a nice touch. This response is almost garaunteed to end the conversation, and hopefully send this person scurrying far far away from your breathing space).
Not as frequent since I took out various piercings, but...Why would you get that pierced?
Motherhoodlum answers:
To freak out people like you. Is it working?
More convenient to keep my keychain there.
It wasn't intentional, it was a freak flyfishing accident.
Because they won't pierce internal organs yet, so I figured this was a reasonable substitute.
I am part of a cult that believes emulating swiss cheese brings us closer to the holy one.
Is that your son?
Motherhoodlum answers:
No, I steal children that bare a striking resemblance to me.
Nope, dinner!
Twin brother, mom just kept her legs crossed a reallllllllllllly long time.
He is my Lord & Master...(again, glazed over blank stare, semi catatonic smile)
My all time favourite of the dumbass questions was back when I used to dye my hair a lovely shade of blue. Some twad at the market actually asked me, "so, you dye your hair that colour?"
My immediate response was "Nope, I'm part smurf".
Feel free to add anything else you've had to creatively come up with to combat these morons we unfortunately must deal with in our daily lives.
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2 comments:
If all the stupid people talk to you, then they work for/with me (pity me). As to their Q's & your A's, well done! If they're dumb enough to ask, then, by all means, shouldn't one have a lil fun w/ the answers & getting rid of them? I try to. Here's a few of my own;
" why'd you get so many piercings?"
...Because my hope is to one day alter the earths gravitational field & become supreme ruler. (evil laugh)
...so that the aliens can't track me any more. (twitching & looking paranoid works well w/this one)
... so that I can better transmit my thoughts to others & make them ask stupid questions.
Thanx for letting me share! shunkahashunkas kid, faythsrequiem
I can vouch for Faythsrequiem's answers! She still answers the tiny voices in her head to make people leave her alone. It works!!
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