Defining Independence

Well, I've made the decision to attempt returning to the workplace, but it's not been a very popular decision in this house. In fact, it's caused a lot of unease between the husband and I.
But wait, we thought Rick wanted you to go back to work...
Well, the male mind is a fickle thing. He had wanted me to go back to work, and had often harped on my 'lack of contribution' to the household. He made it sound like I was some spoiled housewife that sat around eating bonbons and watching sopa opera all day. Never mind the fact that I spend my hours mainly running after our little boy, who each day learns yet another thing we don't want him to do (newest trick: pulling all the cables out from under the carpet and chewing on them). Also, I do my best to keep the hosue clean, laundry done, and food on the table in a timely fashion. I'm also the family secretary, making all the doctor appointments, birthday card mailing, gift buying, and ebay auction tracker (yup, we are 'power sellers', wohoo!). Yet he had constantly reminded me that it was his paycheck that paid our rent, and that he would decide how his money was spent. He had even tried showing my a job listing for a pizza maker once.
Well, apparently, he found some appreciation for all that I do and just neglected to inform me. But, more importantly, he's decided that this is all about him again. *sigh*
He came home to find me searching a few job sites and asked what was up. I told him I was looking for a part time job, probably in the evening. You see, I still refuse to put little guy in day care, and in reality, any job I return to won't be worth much if I have to include daycare costs. Returning to the workforce after two years (and even before that, 'Stripper' isn't the greatest thing to have on one's resume) isn't exactly going to yeild any executive positions. But, I can work evenings, from the time Rick gets home to whenever I can get home and get enough sleep to wake up refreshed and ready to take care of Anthony in the morning. Graveyard shift wouldn't really work, because I'd never have sleep time (sleeping from the time Rick gets home until I went to work is a good theory, except for that I'd still never sleep, what with Anthony's little outbursts. I also know Rick has the complete inability to allow me to rest peacefully for more than an hour or two).
But Rick has decided that my new quest for work is all about "not wanting to spend any time with him". Interesting theory, as he does have a tendency to drive me completely insane as of late. But that's not it. I want to work because...
A) There are things I need that he can't (or won't) provide for monitarily, like my teeth getting fixed, my bankruptcy declared, new contact/glasses perscription, and, oh yeah my freaking BIRTH CONTROL.
B) There are things I want that he can't/won't purchase, like a new computer, an Xbox (yup, I'm a geek), clothing, makeup, and hair dye, tattoos, piercings. Also, being an avid toy collector isn't exactly a cheap hobby.
C) Beyond my own wants and needs, we have things we need to purchase for the house that one income can't nail down, like new baby furniture, furnishings for the living room that aren't hand me downs and are childproof, childproofing equipment, shelving, crap like that. Oh yeah, and since we have a son, we need to have a college fund started. And that ain't happening on $34,000 a year in this ridiculously expensive town.
And last but not least, the Big One...

I want to work because I miss my independence. I want to go to the coffee shop up the street and buy my own goddamn mocha without feeling like I am giving myself an unwarrranted "treat", or worrying about how it will affect our budget. I want the freedom to pick up the groceries I feel like eating, and the baby stuff I want to get Anthony simply because it's on sale. I don't want to have to "ask nicely" for the ATM card, and then have a pre-planned presentation as to exactly what I am spending every penny of the twenty dollars I am looking for and why it needs to be purchased. I don't ever want to hear him utter that stupid phrase "It's my money..." ever again. And yes, I want the personal validation a paycheck provides.
This independence also extends to my uneasey feelings in our marriage as of late. Basically, I want to have a backup plan. If, God Forbid, the worst should happen and we split, I'm currently fucked. I would have to move in with Dad and quite possibly lose custody of my son due to the inability to provide for him. Then what? The ensuing panic would probably result into my falling back into habbit, which means back to the poles at Deja Vu and still not getting my child back because of my 'inappropriate' work choice. So, best to plan ahead, I always say. Get a job, get the bankruptcy so I can have a bank account, and sock some cash away for a rainy day. This 'preparing' isn't necessarily announcing I think this marriage is doomed, but it's being logically cautious. We're fighting a lot, and I can sense my own deepening depression that has so far already grown worrisome while remaining completely unchecked. The new friends I've made has helped aleviate it a bit, as now I have people I can vent to, but even still not everyone knows how far the rabbit hole has been dug. Well, Dad does, but he's supposed to, he's DAD. Dad knows all, even before I do.
So, despite Rick's newest bout of whining, my resumes are out there and the search for a new form of independence has begun. I'll keep y'all updated on the so far wuite fruitless foray into employment.