Moving in and Moving on

well, I'm officially in my new apartment (so official, I even got my first piece of mail). It's been a ridiculously surreal past few weeks. The first three days were spent moving everything in here, and of course juggling what little time I have with wee one. Every moment with him is so precious now. And with Rick as emotional as he is, I want to try and give him SOME stability. It's been difficult, and I can tell it's taking it's toll on my child. He's prone to throwing fits more, and his eating has been erratic at best. He's also been fighting colds this last month (yup, two in a row, fucking Seattle pissy weather).
I know it's been a while since I've updated in here, but luckily those who would/could be concerned with my wellbeing have been kept as informed as I can. Honestly, I wasn't sure how to approach this issue in the sense of my blog. I know Rick will plan to use everything he can against me, reading far too much into whatever I post wherever I post. He's already been pretty much cyber-stalking my webhaunts like otakubooty and myspace, so I have stopped posting on there as much as I used to. It upsets me, I don't like feeling afraid of him. I don't like feeling like I should have to hide any fraction of my life from anyone, simply because he takes every single sentence the wrong way.
And then, ther's the very nature of this blog. I suppose in time, when the other half calms down a bit and I settle into what I consider my surreal new life, I will pick up the pen (errr, keyboard) again and allow the MotherHoodlum existence to be my ponderings of life as a single mother. It's only been a month, but I've already felt the massive differences. But most of them are positive....
I moved into my apartment and put everything exactly where I wanted it to go, displaying my goofiness proudly. I will make this place my home, and do so with the utmost pride, for this space is all MINE.
My wonderfully supportive friends have come climbing out of the woodwork to help. They say being a single parent is ridiculously hard and trying, but these amazing people have made it surprisingly manageable.
I went to Blockbuster, and rented movies I wanted to see, and knew Rick never would've let me rent.
I went to Safeway and bought the food I love to eat, and missed terribly (yes, toaster struedels have been purchased and devoured with aplomb).
I watch the news again. I watch my CSI:NY sans interruption.
I have made plans for actual vacations. Rick hated to travel, and I feel that was always a big point of contention between us. Now I will see the places I want to go, and not feel guilty about going there. I will go to the east coast this year, and Georgia is next on the list.
The negative points really are only about not having my son with me fulltime.
I miss waking to his little voice every single day. When he is here, he wakes insanely early because he's used to getting up at 6 to come here on daddy days, and therefor his sleep schedule is all wonky.
On the nights I don't have him, I miss going into his room and watching him sleep.
I dyed two dozen easter eggs while he was asleep one night, because I didn't have time to do it during the day with him.
I've had to try and scratch money together to buy him new clothing. He was outgrowing most of his stuff prior to us splitting up, and now we're both having to replenish two wardrobes.
having to juggle him between two households has been a trying effort, especially when one parent doesn't seem to care how their irresponsibility affects the other parent's life.
I realize how fucked I am without a car. I plan on getting that corrected in the next few months.

I suppose the most important thing of all this now is my problems are now completely mine (and therefor, completely under MY control). My triumphs are all mine, too, and are ten times more meaningful. When I passed my MIT test at work I wanted to cry. This effort was MINE. But it meant so much. It meant securing a path towards a future for me and my son. I will provide the life I promised to him the day he was born. I want him to be proud of his mother. I want to show him he can do anything, because I can.
This year, Mother's Day is going to mean something completely new.
I am a Single Mother.
I will thrive because I have no other choice.
I will flourish because I can.
I am damn good at what I do.
Roar.