An Open Love Letter

The last few weeks have been quite trying in the hoodlum house. The days following my birthday have been such a mindfuckingly spectacular explosion, I honestly don't know where to begin. There's a lot I am going to leave out of this entry, because it's at this point something my therapist and I will have to be addressing in the next few weeks. Sorry for those looking for love life carnage, I won't be posting that today. I'll also actually be leaving the details of kiddo's school issues to a separate post, because it's going to be a very long winded explanation. This one has a purpose!

Sometimes this stuff gets to me. There's a lot I can brush off, but when it comes to issues surrounding Anthony, I do tend to implode. I can't help it, I just want the best for him, and when things get rough surrounding his education and needs, well...yea, I tend to take every detail very seriously. And I'm...god, I'm so tired of dealing with this alone. But then I look back, and I know I've been dealing with it alone for so long. I honestly don't know what it would be like to have a "supportive partner" by my side through this. I couldn't even imagine asking a partner to deal with all this.

But...then I see the support I do have. I really do have an amazing community of friends and family surrounding kiddo and I. I've spent countless hours just in the last week bawling, barely able to function under the weight of it all. But then someone calls, just to check on me because they read a facebook post. Dad will dutifully take me to whatever meetings I need to get to, and I get random offers from people offering to watch him so I can just breath for five seconds. Mary, Mike, Cheryl, and Paris...hell, you four alone have probably heard me sniffle through more tissue than a kleenex factory contains. Yes, there's way more than just four people, those are just the last few who've heard me within the last few days lose my sanity...

And when it gets ubearable and I feel like a useless wreck, just knowing there are people out there who care and will listen is all I need to get back up and get through it. I'm not the type who is comfortable reaching out for help sometimes...hell, look how long it actually took me to get my ass into therapy. But you, all of you, my wonderful friends and amazing family, you've all reached out and pulled me through this. You've pulled me through so much before, too. I don't think I'd have been a functioning human being two years ago had it not been for you.

So, consider this an open love letter to all the amazing people who surround me, support me, and inspire me. I appreciate you guys so much!!!

Dating a Single Mother...

OK, it occurs to me that guys just don't really get the concept of dating a single mother. I figured maybe I'd lay out a few explanations for those of you who wish to attempt this journey.

There's a few types of single moms out there, so you might want to figure out which kind you have in front of you. She'll either be like me, completely devoted to her child and trying to be a good parent, or...well, she's not. You'll know the latter, they usually spend little time at home, all too eagerly hire a sitter for all hours of the day, or will happily have you meet the kiddos right away. That last part is just more misguided than anything. Those are usually just quick to the meet because they are looking for a new baby daddy, or are completely oblivious to the ramifications of that kind of early interraction.

But here we're going to talk about the former, or more to the point...me. My son comes first in my life, and I am devoted to being a good parent and positive role model to him. So, therefor, dating someone like me comes with "restrictions".

First off...times of dating. If it's during the summer months (or weekends) our kids are at home during the day, so we tend to want to devote those daylight hours to just them. It's not that we don't like you, it's just that our kids are a priority, and we don't want to just dump them off at a daycare. Heck, most single parents are also battling our child's fear of abandonment issues, so we tend to e extra sensitive about taking our time away from them. This leaves dating strictly an evening activity. That's not a bad thing, there's plenty to do at night! You just have to be ok with that. Chances are if we're going out, I'll be hiring a sitter, so yea, I may be a little broke just starting the night. But we can still go out once a week, maybe twice on a good month. You don't have to avoid the residence outside of that, tho. If the parent is comfortable with you, they may open the door to you just coming over for a visit. There's lots to do at the home, chances are they are well equipped for evenings in. I tend to be the type that enjoys cooking dinner for the other person, and enjoying a glass of wine curled up on the couch. It's a nice evening, if mellowness is ok with you.

As far as spending the night goes...well, that's where it gets rough. You see, a good parent won't let you do that for a while. We don't want our child waking up to seeing a strange person in mommy's bed. And for your place, well, it's going to depend on the custody situation. If the parent in question has full time custody, they probably don't get evenings where they can leave the house for a whole night. So, it may be incredibly limited. In time, he/she can probably find an overnight sitter, but you have to understand that with that comes a huge amount of "mommy guilt" by leaving our child, not to mention there's still a time restriction to come back the next day to retrieve the wee one. But if there's any visitation at all, she'll be able to spend the night at your place perhaps once or twice a month (at the beginning).

This doesn't mean the parent is just interested in you being an occasional booty call, in fact, probably far from! Just because we have a priority in our life doesn't mean we don't hope for another. Chances are we want a relationship, too, otherwise we wouldn't bother having you over in the first place. I myself really miss having a relationship in my life. I'd love to have someone come over that I can cook for, laugh with, cuddle with, and hey, maybe even fall in love down the road. And I'd absolutely love to wake up next to someone. I think I actually miss that the most. Not many have stuck around long enough to get past the limitations, which is very unfortunate.

And hey, in time, if you have been patient with the initial restrictions...they do get better. Once the parent in question is comfortable with you and convinced that you aren't an asshole, she'll probably arrange a meeting between you and the offspring (for me, this is right around the time we've talked about monogamy, about 1 or 2 months in). Usually this happens in a neutral environment, one where the child isn't too overly concerned about loosing attention. Think park, or zoo. She'll probably be a bit more focused on the kiddo, too, ensuring the child isn't uncomfortable with you, and probably watching you for signs of panic. Get through that meeting, and you'll see that things get easier. Since the child knows you, she'll probably be ok with you spending the night at that point. Granted, be prepared that when it's wake up time, she'll have to be primarily a mom, getting the child ready for school or perhaps just making breakfast. Sleepovers don't get to continue with lazing in bed and having sex with coffee, unfortunately. But you are being accepted as a presence in both of their lives.

If you have hit this point, perhaps you can move onto "phase 2" of dating a single parent, and trust me, this is the fun part. Having a kid is pretty fun, and there's lots to do with the wee one. There's day trips to the beach or local farms, amusement parks and museums, a whole world out there of fun to explore. Holidays are usually a lot more festive than you could have pictured, and you'll get the benefit of reliving bits of your own childhood as you once again get to enjoy trick or treating and planning for visits from santa.

And don't think that this just means she'll only want you two to spend time with her child. Most of us really need our grown up time, too. Going out to a restaurant or a show, or simply hitting a bar to have a drink, these are all activities we'll want to continue to enjoy. And because we appreciate these moments, we'll want to share them with you. In fact, chances are, we'll be the most appreciative people you'll ever see in the dating world. Our time away from home is precious and rare, so it means a lot more to us when there's someone out there we want to spend it with. And we want you to see us as the individual we are, not just a parent. If you can appreciate both sides of us, we'll be eternally pleased.

Oh, and one more thing...just because we've had one, doesn't mean we've decided we're "done". Some of us want more children, and want to grow our family with another person. You should probably come to terms with your own wants before you get too involved. It's a big decision to join a woman with a child, and yet another to figure out if you want your own with her. Try to have that priority figured out ahead of time. The older we get, the less time we have to waste on someone who has no clue what they want.

So, there you have it. It's not easy, especially not at the beginning. But with a little time and patience, this can be an intensely rewarding and meaningful relationship.

By the way...things you should never do while dating one of us:

Complain about the initial restrictions. We already know they suck.

Make us feel guilty about those issues. Trust me, we already do.

Assume that we're just a good booty call. If we wanted that, most of us could go get that, or have become well equipped with battery operated devices. We have feelings, too.

Assume that there will never be a good relationship. Obviously, we've been in at least one. And if we can make our child a priority, we can also make you one.

Reset button

I think I've reached yet another one of those points in time where I need to "reset". I've been feeling over the last month a building...angst, I suppose. I haven't felt myself, much more tightly wound, irritable, defensive. I've just been off. I feel like I am needing to get back in touch with myself, tho.

I think it's actually because of this latest round of "sharona's attempt at dating". I've really never hated it as much as I have been lately! But gah...this time...
It's weird, I feel like right now would've been the "perfect time". I'm off school just for the summer, so I would've had the chance to get to know someone before the school year kicked back up and dragged me into distraction. The weather is gorgeous, allowing for many options for outings, and..well, I was feeling pretty well together with myself. I know exactly who I am, and what I have (and don't have) to offer. I'm very comfortable with that. And I've finally honed in on what it is I want (and don't want). Perhaps it was because the last relationship I was in actually was a good one. There was nothing wrong with him at all! And we had a great thing there, for a bit. Just because the flame sort of sputtered doesn't mean it was a bad model. It just blew out, and that's that. Honestly, I think Dave was the best thing that could've happened to me. He accepted me for exactly who I am, didn't try to confine me, was attentive without being obsessive, he was great! I adore the man for who he is, and there's an astoundingly lucky girl out there in his future, I'm sure. And I think that's probably why we are able to stay friends.

So I was pretty optimistic when I got back out there. And then...the parade of ick.

Of course, it always starts with the barrage of messages from people who I have zero interest in (and seriously wonder what on earth they would want with a woman like me). I know I'm a rather unique package, so it's going to take another one to work. I get that. But then, oh...the dates.

What it boils down to is this past month has been disappointment after HORROR after disappointment. The highlights:

• Watching her down 4 beers in a row, while I sipped at one. She bragged about how grateful she was to not have children.
• Anytime I spoke of my interests, he completely glazed over, almost comatose.
• He blathered for 2 HOURS about his goddamn car, then his giant house, and then his income.
• He was perfect through dates one and two...then I stupidly slept with him and he turned into a giggling fratboy that high fived me.
• My favourites! The "well, I'm actually just sort of curious about the whole bi thing" girls. Fucking two of them. In a row.
• The "super dad", has 3 of his own, "can't wait" to meet mine (dude, you're gonna be waiting a looooooooooooong time).
• The one who actually bored me to sleep. Seriously, I was nodding off.
• The asshole who referred to my studies as "cute", and how lovely it would be to have a wife with her "little practice on the side of the house". Oh my god I almost punched him.
  
• The perrenial teenager. yea, I had two juveniles in a row, apparently.

So, yea. Pretty bad. And I think I used to be ok with that, but for some reason, it's got me all out of whack. I actually went out with someone whom I liked, and proceeded to completely blow it because I was just feeling all kinds of icky about humans. I had a total wall up, and got really hyper defensive to every little thing he said, and practically ripped him open. I was so convinced that he was just some bullshiter who was toying with me.
*granted, he may actually be that, but the verdict is still out, because after I snapped out of it we had a decent conversation. We are, however, firmly in "friendship zone".

I feel like I've started to form that very negativity that I despise in other people. I tend to be a pretty happy go lucky gal, and I like being that way. I like having fun, and laughing, and seeing the good in so many people. I hate the fact that I've just been tearing people down, one after another, or feeling like I'm torn down myself. Goddamn, Dating is downright unhealthy for one's mentality!

I'm going to reset, then. Definitely cancelling the Plenty Of Fish account, seriously, I've not met a single decent person on there. The OKC I'll leave up, but probably neglect. I'm canceling the date I had this week, and don't see myself accepting any new offers, either. I need to regroup, get back to me. I can't be this "amazing woman up for grabs" if I'm stomping around all angry like, I need to get back to that zen contentment. I felt like I was so ready, because I was out of something feeling great, but maybe I should just enjoy feeling great and stop being "ready". After all, it is a beautiful summer we have ahead of us. I've got a little time off work, and a crazy awesome group of friends. I have a list of things I want to do, and enough people to do them with. As for romance...meh, I have batteries, right? I'd rather just enjoy being the woman I know I am, happy, content, fairly carefree, and loving life as it is. I'm far from "alone", I have a dynamite lil guy next to me every day, loving his momma for who she is. And that's all I ever really asked for!

Every Woman, huh?

Lord knows I make an odd example of femininity. Cheryl always said I was quite girly, tho, but I think because I happen to know my way around the kitchen. Culinary skill does not a "woman" make, tho, in my opinion. Not that I've ever been super clear on what does make a woman...I just know I don't do well at a lot of womanly pursuits (fashion, makeup, social graces, seduction, etc), especially when I look at how much emphasis women's magazines put on those things. I just don't read those rags, they always had a way of making me feel insecure. Every time I try to embrace that side of life and buy a Cosmo, I end up in a mild panic two hours later as I try and figure out how to apply eye shadow and lament at the obvious inadequacy of my wardrobe.
I didn't even really mean to stumble on this article, for some reason it was attached to a cooking article I was reading. *sigh* My one bit of domestication, I suppose.

Self Magazine's "8 Things Every Woman Should Know" I thought could have been rather helpful, but instead left me feeling a bit bitter about the re-domestication of women in our society. While I think some of these things are helpful skills for any person to know, they are far from necessary. To imply that specifically women should know them...well, I found it chauvinistic. Let's go over their list, shall we?

Sew a Button: Well, ok, but I think this is one of those "every person" type things. especially considering men typically wear shirts that have delicate buttons that constantly pop off.

Tie a necktie: I've never learned how to do this. Why? Because I don't wear neckties. To me, this is like telling a man he should know how to adjust corset laces. Cute, but not something to put on a "should know" list...

Do a basic waltz: I blame "Dancing with the stars" for this appearing on any damn list. I mean, seriously, how could this possibly be helpful...ever?!

Hang a picture: ok, again, something all humans should know. This and the next one seem to me to be more suited for "things every young person about to live on their own should know".

Throw a yard sale: why it needs to be more complicated than "put your unwanted crap outside" is beyond me...

Compost: every man, woman, and child should know this. I'm glad it appeared on any list.

Roast a chicken: ...but I don't like chicken....

Mix the perfect Martini: wait, what? I'm sorry, putting this and the necktie thing on a list like this made me think the list was written in the damn fifties. Are we all to be expecting James Bond to walk in the door with a crooked tie, ask us to dance, and quite possibly need to be fed? I mean, really??

Build a Fire: wow, the only one I could actually agree with. Yes, women should know how to do this.

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*Sigh* I'm curious, what would've appeared on a list of things every man should know? How to golf, read sports statistics, things like that? God help whoever writes one based on this one, and puts "how to order your martini" on it...

Heck, I'd put a bunch of this stuff above on a list for men. Tie your own damn neckties, and feed me for a change.

But I don't think I've ever seen a list of things for men. And I'm not a man, so I can't begin to write one. And I'm sure if I was feeling even snarkier I could come up with a decent one, which would no doubt would contain knowing how to make the perfect creme brulee and how to properly manipulate jewelry clasps so we don't have to fumble with necklaces behind our heads.

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But I think I can put together a list of a few things every woman should know, so here:

How to prepare basic meals: While I think the whole "roast chicken" things smacks of over-domesticity and Martha Stewart, it does worry me to see women depending on fast food or those atrocious ready made frozen meals that are marketed to the feminine demographic. Lean Cuisine? bleeeech.

How to effectively manage finances: I'm not talking about going as indepth as setting up an IRA and managing mutual funds, but I think every woman should know how to keep that checkbook as close to above water as possible. Far to many of us are clueless here, and yes I do lump myself in there. I'm in Chapter 13 bankruptcy because of my failings, not to mention managed to get screwed not just once but TWICE by living with a significant other who bled me dry.

Basic Auto & home maintanance: I don't have a car to fiddle with, but you are damn right I can fix most of my own household problems. I replace my own toilet parts, fix the clogged sink, and replace the garbage disposal when needed. I've replaced electrical sockets and fixed cabinets. I've taught the cable dude a thing or two. Incidentally, the ability to do these things comes from two places. 1) the packages for most of the stuf you need to replace (toilet plunger, for example) come with detailed instructions. 2) GOOGLE. Seriously.

How to ask for a raise: We all complain about making 75 cents to a man's dollar, but half of the reason is because we act too meek to freaking ASK for it. Don't be emotional, don't be squirelly girlly, just demand a damn raise.

How to fix/alter your own clothing: Women's clothing is cheap and abundant, and many would rather just chuck that cute pair of pants or skirt because the seam split. Save yourself the cost of a wardrobe and pick up a book on needle basics.

How to find a therapist: Or at least stop listening to magazines like Cosmo and Self for your damn relationship advice. About the only thing I find helpful in them is the rare makeup tip that works for a freakishly pale Italian, and a few work out changes to my routine. Their sex advice? I dare you to ask a man to actually read them and tell you if it'll work on them. I'm going to guess he'll be horrified. Relationship advice? Are you FUCKING serious? If women are actually following the advice in these things, its amazing more men haven't switched to the other team (or just checked into loony bins, because that shit would drive any human crazy). Seriously, THERAPY girls. It does amazing things for you.

Bucket List of 2011

I have never liked the idea of creating New Year's Resolutions, I never seem to get them done, and I always feel guilty come December at how little I've accomplished. I'd prefer to let my life changes just happen as they need to. But! I decided it would be fun to create a list of things I would like to do this year, an attempt to keep myself active and seeking adventure. I had a lot of fun last year on adventures with my friends, so I am hoping to keep the momentum going in 2011. I have a great sitter, and my dad is willing to sit here for an evening in a pinch, so I have very little excuse outside of costs. But I am determined to make "experience" a priority, because I am enjoying life far too much to stop! I felt like I let this part of my life slide a little last year when I dated Jesse, and I'm not sure why. Perhaps it was because he couldn't join me, I felt guilty going out and doing things without him. But that's ridiculous. Even if I end up coupling off with someone, I would still want to be doing these things with friends. If I had a particular partner in crime, awesome! But it's not necessary, and if he/she can't make it out for something, I should be able to go with others.

If any of these ideas appeal to you, please let me know! I need adventure buddies.

More SIFFing! Dave and I did the SciFi Film Fest, and it was awesome. I always saw other people attending SIFF events, and wondered what all the hulabaloo was about. But after enjoying this one so much, I am eager to snap up more of their event calendars. I saw that April is their big animation month, so I am hoping to hit several of those ones.

Spend an entire day wandering through the Woodinville Wineries. There's a massive collection of them out there, and I had no idea til I happened to see a brochure. I've decided this is definitely high on the list!

Do the Seattle Gourmet Chocolate Tour. Yea, it's 50$ a person, I don't care. CHOCOLATE.

Take kiddo to a few of the U-pick farms in the area. Yea, this will more than likely be a late spring/summer thing. We had such a blast out at Beringer for Halloween, and that will now be the spot of choice come pumpkin pickin' time.

New restaurants/new cuisine. I'm a foodie in a foodie lovin' town. In this past month alone I've tried a bunch of new dishes and places I'd never heard of. I want to continue the trend as long as I can afford it, and find other foodie nuts willing to go along! At the end of the year I'll make a list of the best of the best, but so far, everything I've done is fantastic. I may just start posting random restaurants to try on facebook and see if anyone says they're game for a night.

Attempt to hone my beer palette. We live in microbrew mecca! I'd like to get together with a few friends who know more about this and try a tasting somewhere.

Visit the gardens of the NW. I got a brochure the other day, and became enthralled. We have so many beautiful botanical gardens here! I only saw a few several years ago when I was attempting to plan my wedding. I'd love to see the japanese gardens, and spend more time down at the arboretum.

Attend more of the SAM and PacSci events. My membership to one opened up a slew of options, and I am probably going to use some tax return dollars to member it up at the other. Seriously, we live in a city that has so many cool things going on in their museums, I'm an idiot not to have done this sooner.

Enjoy Seattle festival season this summer. I only ever go to a few of the events, and I don't see why I don't attend more. Folklife? of course. Bite of Seattle? I'd be crazy not to! Prety much every weekend there's a nifty deal going at the seattle center, I just need to get kiddo and I on a bus.

Take advantage of the parks/beaches this spring. Anthony and I have 4 kites. We love them. We need to use them more.

Visit the Burke Museum, and the Asian Art museum. I am horrified to admit that these are the two I have yet to visit, and I've lived here 13 years. I aim to cross these off the list this year.

More music! Jamison is my go to concert buddy, but I did not get nearly enough of this awesome action last year. Must correct in 2011! Granted, I can't go to the big stuff because of my allergies, but the small house shows are a crazy good time and I need to get more of these on the calendar. So friends, if you know of a band you think I'd even remotely like, give me enough notice for a sitter and I will join you for some booty shakin' fun.

More...well, you get the idea. What is life without adventure? Dull. So, come on...who wants to come live a little with me? :-)

Shut up, lil birdies!!

Well, after a lot of deliberation, I booked the "appointment o' doom" at Planned Parenthood. It was time for the whole you-know-what testing, but more specifically, to get pap'd. I hate them. I feel that clutch of worry in my throat every time, more so without insurance. I think once you test "abnormal", you'll always get that fear. And with it comes the bigger fear, what would I do? I can't afford the treatments that follow that! I had insurance last time, so the biopsies and following treatment were all covered. But holy crap, trying to afford cancer treatment on my own thin dime? *sigh* We'll know in 7 days. No news is good news, they say.

It just wasn't a pleasant moment, period. I was told that I qualified for a program that would allow all this to be done for free (the testing and exams, at least), but when I got there, they said my income was too high. When I asked how much the appointment would cost...

$400.

I couldn't help it, I started crying. And I was even more embarrassed that I was crying, that I cried even more. I mean, I have to get my annual done, I'd been having some pains and weird bleeding all last month. Once you've heard the C word before, you can't just ignore warning signs. But...$400? Where the fuck was I going to get that? I only had $200 in my account. She let me know they'd take a payment plan, and I suppose that helped ease my horror. But FUCK.

Yea, I know, the Canadian border looks so good. I can't believe that reproductive health testing has to cost so damn much. That evil cunt from DSHS who rudely told me "don't get sick" when denying me health coverage just rings through my head.

Well, it's over, and I just get to stare at my phone for a few days. Oddly, they were able to cover my pills, and even shoved a bunch of Plan B pills into my bag. Huh. I explained that I wasn't in a relationship, but I got the stern "you ARE sexually active, tho", and just took them. They aren't wrong, although I militantly use condoms, so it hasn't been an issue. Yea, I know by that I shouldn't have to get tested, but I do because I am all kinds of paranoid. And that paranoia has served to keep me completely clean for my entire sexual history, so I don't see a point in changin'! Anyways...that happened.

So, you know that feeling when you start digging someone...when you feel like little pink hearts are falling out of your ears, and there's little cartoon birds floating around twittering above your head, like in a disney movie? Yea, well, I kinda want to snatch the bird out of the air and squeeze him and growl "not YET, you little fuckers!!!"

*sigh* I'm kinda diggin' someone, but not really sure how I feel about that. We've only been out a few times, but I feel like he's someone I could definitely...well, I'll use his words "there's a lot of potential". Thinking about him in my life isn't scary. He actually fits there pretty well. And he's a lot of the stuff I was hoping to find, but pessimistic on actually finding. Very intelligent, we have a BUNCH in common, makes me laugh, attractive, laid back, independent, passionate about his world, likes the idea of kids, all that awesome stuff. His work frequently takes him out of town, which means he's around enough to make me happy, but away enough to let me continue doing my own thing. Oh, he's super respectful of my mama-boundaries. When I realized how understand and accommodating he was to that aspect, I almost fell over. But...oh, there's always a but....

I don't have a clue how he feels, other than that he's still content to be seeing me, but also other people right now. I just kinda nodded my head on that one. I...well, can't really do that. I mean, obviously it's logistically impossible. I really only have enough time to entertain one romance at a time. And I just can't really be like that. If I start liking someone in particular, I drop the others because I want to see where it's going to go with them. I'd rather just let them have what little attention I can put on that part of my life on them. *sigh* monogamous to a fault.

So, here I am feeling all kinds of awkward. I certainly didn't plan on liking someone (but do I ever plan on it?). I feel myself starting to slide over to being swoony over him and it frustrates me. I see an upcoming event and naturally click over the assumption he'd be the one to go with. Then I mentally rap my own knuckles with a ruler and tell myself to knock it off. I don't think he's at the "plus one" stage yet, and I feel really, really stupid getting there first. I've been actually making a concerted effort to continue to date others, but all I can do is sit there thinking they aren't even close to this guy. I even landed a date with a girl I've had a crush on for a LONG time, and what did I do? Immediately texted him after just to continue the conversation we were having before I left the house. FAIL. And when I find myself texting something slightly romantic...well, he gets all quiet, and that reminds me to shut up...then do it again an hour later.

See, this is why I don't like dating!!

Another year, another "restart"

Well, this year definitely started out with a bump in the road, but not in the cataclysmal fashion as the last. I hate to downgrade the ending of my relationship with Jesse as merely a bump in the road, but in the grand scheme of things, yea, merely a bump, and a very swiftly learned set of lessons to put in place for this year.

1) Long Distance relationships are not an option for me.

2) Serious relationships aren't going to be, either. more on this in a sec.

The Long distance aspect...*sigh* While on the outside it seemed like an ideal situation, it just gradually fell into badness. I missed him terribly, and apparently he likewise. The distance seemed to prevent the relationship from really getting off the ground (although it could've just been me). Because of our physical absence, neither could really grasp the others' life needs. It created distrust, on his part. It was ultimately unfair to him, as I could not meet him equally in the travel aspect. Although I explained this in the beginning, and he seemed to grasp it at first, it was a big part of our downfall. He confronted me about a month prior to our implosion about wanting me to contribute more to the travelling, and I saw the bell slowly tolling upon us. I can't travel, plain and simple. I can't just leave my son behind on a frequent basis. I can't afford the time off. I'm in class, so I can't make room in my schedule. I can't afford the trips, either. There's no "make the effort" about it, I just can't. Yea, we had some other issues, too, but this was the be all end all one. The part that stung was that instead of ending in a peaceful manner, where we could acknowledge maybe trying again when I move up there in a few years, it just exploded over a misunderstanding. That misunderstanding leads me to reality number 2.

Relationships...I think I've now come to the simple truth that it's not going to be happening for me. I'm ok with that now. I was before he and I got involved. After the trauma of January '10, I came out on the other side a peaceful and happy person, at home in my own skin and reveling in my independence. I said before and I'll say again, I like my life how it is right now. Just me and kiddo, living through the storms and doing our own thing. My life is complete without another person.

While that would on the outside make for a great mental space to have a relationship, my life does not. I'm a single, full time mother of a developmentally disabled child. I'm in school. I'm independent. Those three things, more emphatically the first, are the kiss of death to me having a partner, apparently. Finding a person who can actually come into this life is going to be close to impossible, and frankly, I don't care.

Yea, I know other single parents manage to find love. Bully for them. But...it's just been too much of a roadblock! My son is here all the time. I am completely devoted to him. Jesse seemed to understand...but I don't think he truly did, and I can't blame him. He'd never had a child, and I don't think it was a priority to him. And that's a fact with most people I find date-able in my age group. But it limits my life in ways they don't get.

I can't drop everything in a nanosecond to deal with a partner's crisis, and you're damn right, that's not ok. But it's my reality. My kid's here, wanting dinner, or needing help with homework, or having a meltdown. So when you call because you are angry with me, yea, I'm going to have to tell you the conversation needs to happen at a later time in the evening. Sorry. You are horny? Chances are, I am too, but it's 6pm and kiddo's not in bed yet, and I still have to finish my paper for class. Can you wait til 9? *sigh* nah, didn't think so. You want to go away for the weekend? Unless it's only twice a year or so, this isn't going to happen. My son is only at his dad's house 2 days a month, I'd have to rearrange work schedule and probably can't do it during the school term. Heck, I can really only go out a few nights of the week, and I don't stay up past midnight very often. I try my best to be as open and communicative as possible, but I can't be there all the time. I've got a lot of shit going on in my life, and sometimes I do need to just mentally shut down.

I really do care about my partners, I do! I tried to be a devoted girlfriend within my limitations. I was incredibly devoted to Scott, apparently too much. I call/text when I can. I'll write love letters. Every time Jesse was down, I'd hand-make one of my cards, write a thoughtful note, and hide it in his bag. I made him that crazy tapestry. And I always tried to show him a lovely time when he came down, whether it was exploring the city, or cooking together, or playing together. Every part of that I would love to see in my next relationship. But for most folks, that's not enough, and I guess I can't fault them for that. After all, a relationship with me is going to be compromise after compromise on their part. They'll be coming here more than I will ever be at their place. In person visits and even lengthy communication has to happen around my hectic schedule. Add to the mix that my interests are entirely solitary, and it's sort of a done deal.

I've heard from a few friends "well, you might eventually find the right person who can hang with all that". Well, yea, and we might elect a gay president next year. Doesn't mean I am going to, and I just can't get my hopes up anymore. I have too much to focus on right now. It sucks a bit, sure. I've met some cool people being back on OKC, but have already been "weeded out" because of my stance on not wanting to get involved, and going friends only. Super bummer, because one of the guys who nixed me was actually pretty cool, and under normal circumstances, I would even try to convince him I'm an ok catch. But...well, why go through the trouble of the dance when I don't have a lot of me to offer someone? That's not very fair to them.

So, as Anthony says so adorably, "It's me, you, and Smoosh!" And we're cool with that, which is awesome. So why mess with a good thing? I've got batteries. I have a ton of love within me, and luckily have some amazing friends I can dump all of that love onto. And I can date, and hang out, and simply enjoy companionship. I can't think to really ask for more!

Gregoire screwed up big time

I'm copying and pasting this email from the ARC of Washington, because I don't think many people are aware of what's going on in Olympia. There are some DEVASTATING cutbacks being put into place, and many affect those of us with disabled children. In addition to what you will read below, also know that her cuts extend to removing special needs help in schools. Many children will be removed from speech, occupational, and behavioral therapy because of her cutbacks.

Excerpt from the letter I just received:

DSHS will no longer pay school districts for special education related medical services delivered to Medicaid enrolled children in special education. These school-based services include audiology, counseling, nursing, occupational therapy, physical therapy, psychological assessments, speech therapy, and evaluations. These services may still be provided by the district. (yea, cuz our districts can tooootally afford this).
PLease read, and contact your respected legislator. These cutbacks are NOT the answer!!!

Public hearings on budget cuts! Make your voice heard! Next week legislators will be returning to Olympia and both the House and Senate will be holding public hearings on the 6.3% across the board budget cuts put in place by the Governor. Please attend if at all possible. This is your chance to let those who represent you know how the cuts will affect you! Note: PH = Public Hearing in which members of the public are invited to testify on the topic. Testimony is typically limited to one or two minutes in budget hearings, so be prepared and keep your comments very brief and to the point. You will want to be there early to sign in to testify as there is usually not enough time to hear from everyone. Groups who want to share the same message are encouraged to appoint one person to testify on behalf of the group and the other members stand at their seat while the person testifies in order to show legislators they are unified in their message. You may also just sign in either in support or in opposition to the budget (or bill) without testifying. WS = Work Sessions are a convening of legislators on a committee where they hear from individuals they have specifically requested to provide them information on a topic. Members of the public are welcome to observe work sessions but are not allowed to offer testimony. Often there are a limited number of handouts on the topic available for the public, but they often run out. After the work session they provide some, if not all, of the handouts on the committee’s web page. December 2010 Assembly Day Hearings Monday, Dec. 6 10:00am Senate Health & Long Term Care WS on: Adult Family Homes Health care workforce 1:30pm Senate Ways and Means PH on: Budget update (across the board cuts) Revenue update Preliminary long-term outlook Tuesday, Dec. 7 1:30pm House Health & Human Services Appropriations (HHR A) WS on: Budget outlook and FY 2011 Across the Board cuts Tobacco prevention program Disability Lifeline implementation Wednesday, Dec. 8 3:30pm House Ways & Means Committee (HHRA) PH on: Governor’s budget cuts Transforming Washington group / gov’t system reform) 6:00pm Senate Children's Legislative Oversight Committee Agenda: To be announced. Racial Disproportionality Report out Thursday, Dec. 9 1:30pm House Health & Human Services Appropriations WS on: TANF Federal Health Care Reform update Proposed Executive branch health care restructuring Children’s Administration block grant & performance-based contracting 3:30pm House Ways & Means (HHRA) WS on: 2011-13 Budget outlook Budget overview Building the budget Collective bargaining Dec. 15-20 Governor’s budget is due out Below are the Governor's 6.3% across-the-board budget cuts for developmental disabilities that will be the focus of the hearings: Medicaid prescription drugs – Funding is eliminated for all outpatient pharmacy prescription drugs for adults. Only medications administered in a physician’s office or outpatient hospital settings will be covered. This takes effect March 1, 2011. Medicaid Personal Care – Client receives personal care from a provider based on their assessment from the Division of Developmental Disabilities, allowing them to remain in their home. Cuts will be based on acuity (how high the need is). 6 to 14 hours per month will be cut from all clients beginning January 1, 2011. Children’s Intensive In-home Behavior Supports – Provides in-home professional help for children with extremely challenging behavior challenges to avoid placing the child in an institution which would cost the state much more. This program is frozen, no new families will be enrolled. Effective Nov 1, 2010. Individual and Family Services (IFS) – IFS is used mostly for respite, it is also used for therapies/co-pays and various other services. All families currently on IFS will lose service from Nov 2010 to July 2011. Dental Services – All adult dental services except emergency services are eliminated. Adults will be able to go to a dentist or the emergency room for pain medication only, dental services will not provided. Effective Jan 1, 2011. Vision, hearing & podiatry, physical, occupational & speech therapy services are all eliminated for adults. Effective Jan 1, 2011. Residential Services – Rates to community residential providers will be cut 2%. It will be difficult for providers to attract and retain a stable workforce. Effective Jan 1, 2011. Employment Services – Rates that counties pay employment providers will be reduced, causing service levels to clients will be reduced. Cuts to employment services means a loss of taxpayer revenue, no return on the State's special education investment and more demand on other support services. Effective Jan 1, 2011. Transition Services – Clients graduating from high school in 2010 may lose their job that school transition staff helped them get or end up at home with no job, no return on the State's special education investment and more demand on other support services. Funding for 240 state-only clients that have not entered service will be eliminated. Effective October 2010. Eliminate Case Managers (No Paid Services) – Clients with no services won’t have a case manager to provide community resources. Other clients won’t get timely assessments for services as some case manager positions currently open will not be filled. Effective Jan 1, 2011. Temporary Layoff Days are extended to all DDD employees and two more layoff days are added. Effective Oct 1, 2010. Residential Habilitation Centers – Reduce/restructure training programs & some services, close cottages, some staff layoffs. Effective Jan 1, 2011.

Fuck off, Scrooges

I have a wide collection of friends and acquaintances, from all walks of life. Gay, straight, bi, and transgender, political leanings on both sides (Ok, so I only have two republican friends, but I still love them both, despite their shortcoming), the entire rainbow of ethnicities, and of course, every religious faith. Variety is the spice of life, and I consider this so much more true when collecting people around you. I respect each one for their individualities, as I know they respect me for mine. In case you ever wondered, I was raised Catholic, dabbled in Pagan, was a staunch aethist, to now some sort of weird amalgamation of Buddhist-Agnostic. The Religion of Sharona isn't exactly a seriously thought out one, although I will get a little twingy if someone starts mentioning the Babay Jaybus too many times in my home.

However, one thing I am serious about, and will passionately argue about, is the celebration of the Holiday Season. It's called Christmas in my house, although I will happily pack up some apple bundt cake for a Winter Solstice party, merrily craft dreidels for some Jewish friends, and embrace whatever tune anyone else wants to sing during their preferred celebration of this time of year.

Unless they chose to PC the fuck out of it and rightly piss me the hell off with their overly-non-denominational renouncement of joy during winter. This equally goes to winter-whiners. Fuck you, too.

You see...here's the arguement to both you assholes. Sit down, and listen.

Winter-Depressed, Whiners of Angsty Holiday History

"I had a bad christmas in 1992, so every year is just Meh to me"

Oh, get over yourself. Everyone over the age of about 10 has had a bad christmas once. You either didn't get your pony, or you walked in on Mom and Dad doing more than kiss under mistletoe. At some point you had the life-crushing discovery that Santa was just an old dude named Dave at the mall who smelled of rum and sweat. The older we get, the more shitty holiday seasons we rack up in our personal history. And the more depressing they get. My recent horrors include: Bob's death in 2008. It was too snowy to have a service, so all of us who knew him were locked in our homes, mourning by ourselves. Scott ignored my grieving, and whined about not seeing his mother and therefor stomped loudly and pouted. So I frantically went into over-christmas mode and jingle-bell rocked my hobbling little family through the dismal cloud of misfortune. No matter what I did, tho, it never was enough for that jerk, despite the fact that I was trying to deal with my own personal trauma. 2009? yeeea that one sucked too, and entirely for that jerk's sake. He was determined to treat me as bad as he could before finally ditching me two weeks after the 25th. My ex-husband was also chiming in,and my son was being threatened with expulsion. I had no job, and was arguing with CSUS to get my records sent up here in time for me to at least join school for winter quarter, which I later failed to do. I spent pretty much all of December crying because I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong in my life.

But you know what? It's 2010...and I have my beautiful tree up, and tinsel everywhere. I'm almost finished making cards, and eagerly await the cookie exchange party on friday with my friends (some old, some new, all awesome). I have been happily scampering from store to store, with only two minor freakouts, and I cannot chip the grin off my face when I wrap these painstakingly chosen gifts. I'e got three racks of chocolate covered awesome in my fridge, and you bet your booty I'll be making about eight dozen more confections throughout the next month...and probably well into January because I have too many cookbooks with too many awesome possibilities.

Yea, life has sucked. And while it's tolerable now, I could still lament that there's still a lot of things I could fix. But instead I chose to wrap myself in the warmth that can be created in the cold. The warmth of knowing I have a HUGE group of kick ass friends. I have the world's cutest cat. I have an insanely supportive family (ok, I chose to acknowledge the insanely supportive members of said family, and forgive those who are just...insane). I have an AWESOME child, who still sees magic in snow, reverently pulls out Santa's Cookie Dish as if it were a holy relic, and whose smile outshines the darkest winter night. No matter how shitty life can get, at any time of year, my life is still warm and joyous because I have him in it.

Even if you don't have a child lighting your way, you still probably have a lot to be blessed with. Whether it's good friends, a roof over your head, a job, or family...damnit, you still have blessings. And just because you've had bad past holidays, the only reason this one will suck is because you are emo'ing that into fruition.

NonDenominational Overly Politically Correct, Let's All Be Aetheist and Suck the Joy out of Tinsel Dipshits

"Oh, I don't follow a chosen religion, so I refuse to acknowledge your Eggnog & will pretentiously blather on about the meaningless of religion"

You know what, some of us aren't really acknowledging a religion, here, either. Santa and presents has nothing to do with a faith. Cookies and togetherness have nothing to do with Jesus. Look outside! It's the shittiest weather we humans are confronted with. It's gray all the time, there's fewer hours of daylight, it's bitter cold, almost everything is dead... basically Mother Nature's way of testing the effectiveness of Prozac. She's bitchslapping us, then shitting more snow on top of our icey roads out of spite. So what do we do? We pull on mittens, tack up twinkling lights all over the house, throw piles of brightly coloured tinsel all over everything, and make silly critters out of snow. We drink the sweetest concoctions ever created (gingerbread latte, I love you so), and fill boxes of cakes and cookies to pass to our neighbors. We wrap thoughtful tokens of appreciation for our loved ones and hand it to them, as a way of saying "you are awesome, and I appreciate you being in my life!" We are more charitable during the months of November and December than any other time of the year, dropping change into red buckets, buying Toys For Tots, and tossing a few extra cans of soup on the grocery conveyor to later plunk in the big Food Bank box sitting by the exit. We have the sudden urge to spend time around a fire with our families...even if we can't stand them any other time of year. We send cards to people we haven't spoken to in years, just to remind them that we remember that they exist, and are worth at least a paper snowman to us.

I dated a Jewish guy for a while, we had a tree and a menorah. We had stuffed grape leaves at his mother's house, and roast beef at mine. I don't think he was in any way offended that my family bought him a small gift, and they wrapped it in blue paper, too, if I recall. Feel Free to tell me otherwise, Saul! I will totally apologize for that awesome chess set.

My muslim friend? That boy will scarf down anything eggnog flavoured, and happily donned a santa cap during our holiday sales season. I have a few Pagan friends, and they have the merriest Winter Solstice you will ever find.

We call it "christmas" because that's the word we grew up with, and it's annoying and overly PC to wish everyone a "Warm Winter Season of NonDenominal Celebration". Yea, the word "christ" is in there, but my son has never once heard a single bible story and would probably answer "the guy who works down at 44th Market" if you asked him who Jesus was. Christmas = Santa, cookies, and awesome snowball fights in our world. When I wish you a Merry Christmas, I'm wishing you all the love and warmth I fill my soul with this time of year to fend off the cold outside.

I say Merry Christmas, but you can say whatever you want, just as long as you are Merry. Just don't be a Scroogey douche, or I'll douse you with eggnog, shove snow down your pants, and crumble gingerbread in your hair.

Life at a vet hospital

I have one of the coolest jobs in existence: I work in client intake at a vet hospital. Seriously, my life at work is puppies and kitties ALL DAY. I say "hospital", because it's not a standard day clinic. We don't spay and neuter, we don't do shots, we don't give Fluffy his annual check up. We're pretty big, there's an opthomology dept, surgical, internal med, neurology, cardiology, and imaging (yes, we do CATscans! yes, I make endless jokes!). We are primarily an emergency room and intensive care unit. Admittedly, we see the sickest of the sick animals. On an average day, we see two to three animals "go to a better place". I print euthanasia forms on a daily basis, and have perfected the shoulder pat/tissue pass-off routine. I can recognize a DOA (which yes, we do get), and the close to dead conditions. So yea, my job could be pretty depressing. A lot of the girls have had issues with it. Working ER, we see victims of vehicles and of neglect, I've had blood on me, I've gently taken a dead dog out of a child's arms. This job could royaly suck...

But it doesn't, because I focus instead on the awesome. We'll start on the list of awesome with intake. I check patients in all day, so we'll start with the hilarity of that. For all the uncreative dolts in the world (our patient database has almost 200 Stella's, not to mention Brody, Marley, Gus, Spike, etc), I see some ridiculous pet names. And yes, this is coming from a woman who named her cat Smoosh. One of my favourite kitties is Socrates, a tabby who comes in weekly for chemotherapy. Optimus Prime had a broken foot last week (he was a persian, which made the name even more fantastic). There was a cat actually named Fluffhead in last week for dialysis. We have a King Charles Cavelier who's chart lists his full name as "Woody (the wonder dog)". I saw a pekinese a little while back named Lil Fart, and a cat named Booger. If you don't smile carrying a handful of charts with these names, something is wrong with you.

For all the death, we do a hell of a lot of saving, and of course the minor stuff, like mending wounds and fixing broken legs. Nothing is more adorable than watching a basset hound negotiate a corner with a cast on his front paw. There was a very irritated Devon Rex in last week who had bronchitis, so I got to scratch the top of her head for the 24 hours she was in an oxo-tank in our facility. She went home purring, but not before giving me a thorough lovin'. I have a feeling I will be blogging quite frequently of the random happy days for these fuzzy patients, because seeing them pull through makes every moment worthwhile.

And who does the saving? An amazing set of doctors. I've been to crappy vets before, they hardly listen to the owners, and they barely glance at your animal before racking up an insane amount of charges. You know, the ones who just seem to be in it for the money. Those aren't our doctors. Our doctors genuinely love animals, same with the techs in back. I handed a chart to an ER doc the other day, as she sat on the floor checking out a different patient (a very gentle little golden retreiver named Bobo). She leaned back to check the notes on the chart, one hand tenderly scratching the awaiting forhead of her little friend. The picture was precious. I also watched a technician casually walking about the patient banks with a cornish rex in her arms, giving her a bear hug (apparently he was quite the codependent little thing). I watched a doctor vehemently demand an owner relinquish a kitten they wanted to euthanize, and she is now the proud owner of a "neurologically damaged" little furball named Bonkers. He randomly jumps into walls and has no equilibrium, so will ocassionally tip sideways. Two weeks ago we had two little 3 month old pug puppies that were so damn cute I about lost my mind every time I walked by their cages (the naughty little things had eaten raisins, so we had to flush their systems).

My job is a happy place, most of the time, and I look forward to sharing tales of fuzzy awesome with you, my readers. I have linked each animal on this blog entry to a picture of their breed, because I know not all of you know what these are. But if you click, you can see the "patients" I get to work with every day, and you can see why I smile so much!!

It's a new dawn...

It's a new day, and I'm feelin' fine! That song pretty much sums up the scope of my life right now. I suppose I am considering myself still in the "dawn" of this new world I am living in. I've been in the new apartment for about a month now, and have the last bits of furniture put away. I've settled into the new job, and completely love it. And since Jesse got over his 24 hours of insanity and we worked things out, I am back to enjoying my new relationship. But it's still the dawn, as I don't start classes til fall, and I've been slowly developing the other little bits of my reality.

I got my paperwork in order, so I will be able to go visit Jesse in his home, and see his world. He'll be meeting my friends in a month when he comes down for my birthday. So far all of his visits have been spent cloistered with me and getting to know each other (and kiddo). I've enjoyed this slow build, as it's helped us form a great bond. We're tighter than ever, especially after working out that rough patch. But the time has come to intertwine the last pieces of our worlds...the "other folks". He met Dad (who approves), and I do speak with his sister on facebook. The other sis and I have become penpals. But I've yet to interact with them in real life, and there's still the brothers and his folks. I've never seen his home, his work, or where he tromps around when not trapped in a kitchen. My friends are a huge part of my life, but so far he's only met my sitter and a handful of coworkers.

Relationship awesomeness and intertwining aside, I have been tweaking my work schedule to suit the needs of my impending class schedule, and begun working out the finances for all the last bits of edu-stuff (books, supplies, etc). I may even have found an option for lower cost child-sitting, as one of my coworkers has children kiddo's age who offered to help out. Less money spent on baby-sitting = less top ramen during the school year! And with dad right next door, transport is less and less of an issue.

So the dawn of this new world is looking pretty good. I look back at how things used to be...I can't imagine why I accepted less from the world and of myself. I deserved better, and now that I have better I am basking in these blessings.

Sooo...that happened.

I'd love to be sitting here babbling endlessly about the great time I had at bootycon! I really did, they are such a loving, amazing community of people. My heart came back filled with joy. I sat there, looking around my boxed up apartment, just kind of loving life.
I've got the move in a day, now, with my super new awesome apartment and super cool dad living next door!

My new job starts next week. Yaaaaaay puppies!
I heard back from a good legal aide regarding help with my divorce nonsense (it WILL be done, oh yes, this four years of bullshit will come to an END).

I have all the stuff I need to snag my passport so I can go see Jesse in BC.

Ah, yes, and I would be seeing Jesse in two weeks, my heart was very, very happy.

And then he called and dumped me. *sigh* OK, so first off, I'm eating, so no one start calling around looking for taco delivery or anything. But DAMN does it suck. I really really liked this guy. The L word was starting to creep out. I thought he was this amazing, compassionate, trustworthy...oh everything a new relationship has a person spewing, right? I adored the man. I had even been researching schools in Canada to finish my degree at, actually (in a few years, people, mama don't move that fast!). We had this amazing talk last night about where things were going with us. It seemed so great! Granted, I was overly excited to be making cheese together. I don't know why, I just though the idea of cultivating a wheel of parmesan with my superchef was wildly romantic. We talked about the next few months, getting to know eachother even more. He'd be seeing more of my "real life", as I started work, and school, and settling in the new place. He'd get to know Anthony better, hopefully building a relationship there (if we were going long haul, that would be a necessity). I'd go up and finally meet the sisters I had been interacting with. We'd even talked about enjoying the two thanksgivings with eachother (Canada has their on a different day). I knew he was still freaked about the whole "eventually would have to move to the states" thing, but that was a long ways off, we were working on a very slow pace. I figured around next year, what with all we were building, it wouldn't even seem like that big a deal. And hey, if something else came up, we'd work around it. That's what couples do when they want to be together, right?

I really need to lessen my faith in others, apparently. Something in him snapped this morning. Ugh, my heart still feels so torn. Disappointed, more than anything. First, he completely went bizarre about the fact that my ex is "around". Like, the divorce finalization would make him disappear. I don't think he's really ever been around a divorced parent situation...but um...yea, that other person never goes away. Rick will *shudder* always be there, whether I want him to be or not. Not so much as an active participant in my life, but in kiddo's, which is I think the part Jesse misses. And, no, Rick's not a great father, and most of the time really doesn't seem to want to be. BUT...Until either A) Rick signs over his rights and hauls ass back to the midwest, or B) Kiddo tells me he doesn't want to bother with him, I cannot close that door. That is their relationship, not mine. The door between Rick and I? That was slammed, locked, then wielded shut four years ago when I first inked the damn papers. I lived with Scott for most of these last four years. I personally find Rick as a human nauseating, not just after what he put me through but who he is as a person. He is not a good man, he's a horrible thing that I cannot fathom why I married in the first place.

Anyways, after I questioned this whole irrational line, the truth came out. He apparently decided he hates the US and will never EVER move here. As in, came to this overnight. And...well, then he broke up with me. I'm frustrated that he didn't give it a chance to see where we could've gone, because I really thought we could do something amazing. But I guess I should be grateful he didn't pull a Scott and drag me along for years just to say "oh, nevermind!" I do know after all the therapy and personal exploration that I deserve better than that. I'm just very disappointed that he couldn't see past the border. I'm pretty sure a lot of it was fear. He'd just started dating again when he met me, and apparently feels like he hung his hat too soon with a girl too far away, I guess. I dunno. It's a bit of a heart tug for me, because for a second...well, I guess part of me hoped he'd be the guy who finally says "you are worth it".

Well, I don't have as bright an outlook on summer now, but I am also way too busy to concern myself with it. I feel really, really stupid for falling for the guy, especially when he felt the need to cut and run before we could've actually been something special. But I have a full plate in front of me, and the reality of it all is a lot to comprehend. I'll drown my sorrows in a beer and some chocolate, then dry my eyes and keep packin. I have all the above stuff, the new place, the new job, and pretty soon, school. And like I've said, I'd anticipated that I would fly solo for all of it, so I should really stop whining.

It was a great two months, and I can count that as a blessing. Whatever happened...well, this morning, up until that point, I was smitten with a cool guy. He did dote upon me, which is something I've never experienced. I got two months of feeling appreciated, admired, and adored, and I will put that in my pocket and hold onto the niceness of it for a bit.

This mama has a lot to do, so I best keep doin' it.

After the chocolate.

Moving Out and Moving On...

A lot of people were apparently really surprised to hear that I'd be moving from Park Edmonds. Yea, I know I've lived here for over four years. Yea, I know the location is damn convenient. Yea, I know it's an awfully big 2-bedroom in a locked building. Ooooooh, let's go over the reasons this needs to happen!!

1) Cost! The rent is $840, which is about $50 over market value for an average "nice" 2 bed, and way above market value considering the lack of amenities here. There are 2 laundry rooms for 140 units, and both facilities constantly have machines broken. There is a small "fitness center" which consists of a treadmill and an exercise bike in a windowless room, a small play area with falling apart equipment, and that's the end of the list of "complex features". I found many places that cost less that had many more features.
Much more adequate laundry facilities? check!
Larger play areas? Check!
Equipped fitness center with better hours of operation? Check!
Heated pool and jacuzzi? Check!


2) In line with the cost is that this complex has the tenant paying the water/sewer/garbage bill separately, which is an additional $80 per month. This is ridiculous for two people in a small apartment, without laundry in unit. I don't have a car, either, but apparently I'm paying for everyone else to wash theirs. Many complexes don't charge this, which automatically means saving that amount.


3) This place has had some recent security issues. There had been random break ins prior, which caused me to be hyper vigilant about locking the door when by myself. "secured building" is pretty much a joke, as most of the white trash tenants that the desperate landlord has allowed to move in will let just about any random stranger in. Recently there was a rape in broad daylight across the street. Yea, I'd pretty much say that signals my exit!! This last one completely scared the crap out of me, actually. I am a not too strapping gal living by myself. With my small child and hardly ferocious beast.

4) I hate the neighbors here. Sure, I know that every apartment community comes with some nutjobs, but this place has some that are pushing me to the brink. There's the...um, is it one family? They've taken over all three buildings, and while I thought it was five seperate fams that just happen to all speak the same language (and moved in within months of eachother), watching them scramble between eachother's apartments at all hours made me realize there's more relation than coincidence there. Each couple has four children, which breaks my brain a bit when one realizes these are all 2 bedroom units. I have no clue why 4 was the magic number, either, but I actually did count. It was easy to count all individuals when they started taking over the downstairs play area on Sundays. All five fams come out, all 12 children running about (note, three fams are couples, the other 2 are sets of 4 men who live together, I'm assuming brothers? They don't come across as gay couples). I apparently live in a commune, and didn't know it. Why does this bother me? Because they aren't NICE people!! They are rude, loud, and act like all other tenants are encroaching on their space. I've been bitched at for doing laundry (because the woman wanted to use all three machines at once, therefor I should wait for my one load), the kids have been rude to mine, they are really loud in the halls at 2am, they screech across the complex at eachother and the kids, omg seriously, don't make me continue. I just strongly dislike these people.
Oh, and shall I go to my actual next door neighbor? The psychotic, drunken, drama-queen, hypochondriac wash up that I have to share a wall with?! It started so innocently...I think she had to borrow sugar or something. Next thing I know she's coming over at all hours of the night asking if I have booze. She'll have one of her "breakdowns" and demand my company. Her "best friend", some aging dude with a Captain-Save-a-Ho complex, began calling me to look in on her. She flips out and ends up having to be dragged off by an ambluance about twice a month. The worst part, I have been subject to listening to her list off her "medical problems" which I am sure she has completely made up to garner sympathy from people. She's living off the charity of her ex-husband, who keeps funneling money into her account 4 years after he left her. Of course she has some boyfriend that comes around and gets drunk with her, and then the hero complex dude. Ugh. She called me at 5:30 the other morning, hyperventilating and begging me to come "watch her". I grumbled that I wouldn't leave my child unattended and she needed to call 911 if she had a problem. I swear to god, I hope there is some statute that decrees you can only have so many of these little fake panic attacks, and abuse the emergency room, before they shut you in a drunk tank.
*end rant, grumble*

5) It's just...time. I had a life in this place that is, well, done. Scott and I broke up a while ago, but his memory is forever permeated here. Yes, I know I moved in here solo, but he moved in not long after (same year), and remained with us until Jan. Every memory here included him...every holiday, every birthday...I want to move on, and my son wants to move on. I've replaced key bits of furniture already (hello, bed), and the last thing is to replace the floor beneath us. My son and I are building a new life together, I am on a new amazing path now. This home is not mine anymore. This apartment is a life that' is a skin I need to shed.
**My son is stable, getting lots of help, on the right med, and in therapy.
**I have an adorable new little cat, who is slightly codependent (the other day Jesse pointed out that Smoosh really does not stray more than a few feet from my presence...ever).
**I am starting school in the fall, and I have a very set degree path. Acceptances are done, classes are chosen, the paper is all but in my hand. I feel full of strength and conviction. I am so pleased.
**I am going back to work, but in a much different manner than before. My priorities are quite firmly in place now, and "career" is on the bottom, especially since it can't happen til after "education". Knowing I am relegating work to just being a way to pay my rent and not stress over is...well, it's pretty dang liberating.
**I am healthier than I have ever been. My exercise regime has me slimmed down, looking great, and feeling amazing. I don't smoke. More and more of my food and Anthony's is homemade, which was actually a byproduct of being a cheapskate. Making our pasta, yogurt, granola, etc is a lot cheaper than buying premade. Go figure? But I can feel it and see it, we're a lot healthier for these changes.
**I am mentally peaceful. Yes, this sounds weird. But hey, therapy is awesome.
**I've got someone new who makes me feel great. I'm crazy about him, he's crazy about me. We're happy as individuals, and downright blissful together. We mutually respect eachother, and support eachother, which is a very new and very wonderful experience for me. heehee, if I continue talking about him, it will turn into a ridiculous gushfest, so I shall leave it at this: It's pretty damn cool.

I saw Scott yesterday, on the bus. It was weird, and I suppose rather anticlimactic. I felt a weird shock as I realized it was him that was waving at me (hey, it's been close to 6 months since I've seen the guy). But then I felt...well, to be honest, not much. Irritation, I suppose. I didn't want to look over at him, but more because I felt so ambivilent, and a bit embarrassed at the fact that I didn't recognize him at first (he hasn't changed his appearance, it was just lack of time being around him). But...eh, that was about it. There was no tug at the heart, no pang, no nothing. Not even the seething hatred I had formed over him towards the last bit of my letting go. I don't see him as the Destroyer, the Deceiver, The Man Who Walked Away... or anything so melodramatic anymore. I just saw, well, a guy. He's probably still the giant loser that I should be so incredibly thankful has been shed from my life, but really, he's just not even worth the pity of knowing in that respect. I guess that's the kind of insignificance that means it's a very appropriate time to be filling out a change of address form.

So, cardboardland, here we come! We did find a place for Dad and I, and he's already gotten approved. My approval (being that I had to have mom co-sign, and OMG is that a long story I won't get into) should happen in a day or two, although I'm already moving forward. My move date should be the 26th. Yes, I am still going to Bootycon, my ticket/room are already paid for. So I am packing right now, so that when I leave on the 16th, I will be returning to a completely ready to move apartment on the night of the 21st. And that's that...I'll be celebrating Independence Day by celebrating my own independence. Life changes are a wonderful thing! :-)