Sooo...that happened.

I'd love to be sitting here babbling endlessly about the great time I had at bootycon! I really did, they are such a loving, amazing community of people. My heart came back filled with joy. I sat there, looking around my boxed up apartment, just kind of loving life.
I've got the move in a day, now, with my super new awesome apartment and super cool dad living next door!

My new job starts next week. Yaaaaaay puppies!
I heard back from a good legal aide regarding help with my divorce nonsense (it WILL be done, oh yes, this four years of bullshit will come to an END).

I have all the stuff I need to snag my passport so I can go see Jesse in BC.

Ah, yes, and I would be seeing Jesse in two weeks, my heart was very, very happy.

And then he called and dumped me. *sigh* OK, so first off, I'm eating, so no one start calling around looking for taco delivery or anything. But DAMN does it suck. I really really liked this guy. The L word was starting to creep out. I thought he was this amazing, compassionate, trustworthy...oh everything a new relationship has a person spewing, right? I adored the man. I had even been researching schools in Canada to finish my degree at, actually (in a few years, people, mama don't move that fast!). We had this amazing talk last night about where things were going with us. It seemed so great! Granted, I was overly excited to be making cheese together. I don't know why, I just though the idea of cultivating a wheel of parmesan with my superchef was wildly romantic. We talked about the next few months, getting to know eachother even more. He'd be seeing more of my "real life", as I started work, and school, and settling in the new place. He'd get to know Anthony better, hopefully building a relationship there (if we were going long haul, that would be a necessity). I'd go up and finally meet the sisters I had been interacting with. We'd even talked about enjoying the two thanksgivings with eachother (Canada has their on a different day). I knew he was still freaked about the whole "eventually would have to move to the states" thing, but that was a long ways off, we were working on a very slow pace. I figured around next year, what with all we were building, it wouldn't even seem like that big a deal. And hey, if something else came up, we'd work around it. That's what couples do when they want to be together, right?

I really need to lessen my faith in others, apparently. Something in him snapped this morning. Ugh, my heart still feels so torn. Disappointed, more than anything. First, he completely went bizarre about the fact that my ex is "around". Like, the divorce finalization would make him disappear. I don't think he's really ever been around a divorced parent situation...but um...yea, that other person never goes away. Rick will *shudder* always be there, whether I want him to be or not. Not so much as an active participant in my life, but in kiddo's, which is I think the part Jesse misses. And, no, Rick's not a great father, and most of the time really doesn't seem to want to be. BUT...Until either A) Rick signs over his rights and hauls ass back to the midwest, or B) Kiddo tells me he doesn't want to bother with him, I cannot close that door. That is their relationship, not mine. The door between Rick and I? That was slammed, locked, then wielded shut four years ago when I first inked the damn papers. I lived with Scott for most of these last four years. I personally find Rick as a human nauseating, not just after what he put me through but who he is as a person. He is not a good man, he's a horrible thing that I cannot fathom why I married in the first place.

Anyways, after I questioned this whole irrational line, the truth came out. He apparently decided he hates the US and will never EVER move here. As in, came to this overnight. And...well, then he broke up with me. I'm frustrated that he didn't give it a chance to see where we could've gone, because I really thought we could do something amazing. But I guess I should be grateful he didn't pull a Scott and drag me along for years just to say "oh, nevermind!" I do know after all the therapy and personal exploration that I deserve better than that. I'm just very disappointed that he couldn't see past the border. I'm pretty sure a lot of it was fear. He'd just started dating again when he met me, and apparently feels like he hung his hat too soon with a girl too far away, I guess. I dunno. It's a bit of a heart tug for me, because for a second...well, I guess part of me hoped he'd be the guy who finally says "you are worth it".

Well, I don't have as bright an outlook on summer now, but I am also way too busy to concern myself with it. I feel really, really stupid for falling for the guy, especially when he felt the need to cut and run before we could've actually been something special. But I have a full plate in front of me, and the reality of it all is a lot to comprehend. I'll drown my sorrows in a beer and some chocolate, then dry my eyes and keep packin. I have all the above stuff, the new place, the new job, and pretty soon, school. And like I've said, I'd anticipated that I would fly solo for all of it, so I should really stop whining.

It was a great two months, and I can count that as a blessing. Whatever happened...well, this morning, up until that point, I was smitten with a cool guy. He did dote upon me, which is something I've never experienced. I got two months of feeling appreciated, admired, and adored, and I will put that in my pocket and hold onto the niceness of it for a bit.

This mama has a lot to do, so I best keep doin' it.

After the chocolate.