Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...are in front of me!!

So, today Dad and I continued on our mission of apartment shopping. A while back, when I determined I was going to return to school (come hell or high water!), and of course, got my life obliterated by my exboyfriend...we had concocted a grand scheme. This scheme, by the way, is further proof of the amazing selflessness of the wonderful man who raised me. He has decided that he will move up to the north end, where I am currently settled, specifically to help me out. We're attempting to find 2 units in a given complex; a two bedroom for myself and kiddo, and a one bedroom for Pappa. Should I work or take classes in the evening, he would step in to help watch over my son, leaving me the freedom to take care of the business at hand. We'd also share a vehicle, allowing me a bit more mobility in these pursuits, not to mention just generally make life easier. This arrangement is almost entirely one sided, as about all I can offer him in return is...well, I'll cook for him, of course. Sheesh, that man lives on pot pies, preparing a nightly meal for him is downright necessary if his sodium intake is to decrease enough to see his 60th birthday.

So we've been poking around a few different places, as my lease ends in June, and he's already on a month to month. Right now, I'm estimating my income at a minimal level, since I am still looking at returning just as an associate at Le Shack. He knows anywhere we move in, he'll be saving money, since he's getting gouged for in city prices. I know I am overpaying for where I am right now, too, so I will also see a savings. And, well, returning to school and working a crap job means I need to start looking at corners to cut.

So, we browsed. The first place we checked out was ok. He loved it, but he's also pretty dang easy to please. It had good amenities, a good location, and a nice neighborhood. Not only is the rent about $100 cheaper, but they also pay water/sewer, so I'd in total be saving almost $200 every month. Sounds great, right? *sigh* the two bedroom unit would be smaller than what I have now, and the kitchen was abysmal. I mean...ick. Dimly lit, super dark tacky cupboards, not much counter space. It had a godawful bathroom, too. I guess it dawned on me that although I am over paying, and I may not love my fellow tenants, Park Edmonds really isn't that bad a place. My apartment is pretty nice, if a bit overpriced.

Oh, yea, sidenote...I quit smoking. Again, yea yea, but I'm pretty sure this one is going to stick. My broke ass cannot afford $8 a pack. Screw you, Olympia, but I guess thank you for giving me one final reason to knock this crap off. There's another reason that got me there, and he's quite handsome...but I digress!

Hmmm...so we continued shopping today, and I hit a bit of an internal struggle. We looked at about 6 different places in total. The last two were brilliant. Gorgeous grounds, tons of amenities, and the apartments were spacious, gorgeous, (awesome kitchen!), well lit...pretty damn perfect. But...well, here's the deal...because of all this awesomeness, I wouldn't be really saving any money. Like, maybe $40 in rent, total? Dad just kind of looked at me, and we decided to discuss more heavily at my pad.

"you have some pretty major decisions to make, then. This whole effort was to get you a better living situation. I know you liked those last two, but you wouldn't be cutting the costs you need to."

Sigh...Daddy knows best. Goddamn him and his perfectly reasonable brain.

Basically, here's the list of options I have:

1) Work part time, go to school full time, live in semi-crappy apartment. This will require downsizing quite a bit of the life I've grown accustomed to here. But I'd still have a small space to paint, and kiddo would have his own space. I'd have to really flex creativity to make the small space work, and the ugliness. But damn, I'm looking at possibly the next 4-5 years in this place. Wouldn't the cramped quarters and ugliness make me go a little batshit?

2) Work Full time, go to school part time, live in decent apartment. This pushes the whole "sharona school plan" out further, and causes me to do some serious financial dancing. I'd have the space I have now, and prettiness. But...well, with finances being forced to their max, who knows if I could afford art supplies, let alone the living expenses. And push out my school plan? Ugh, don't want to!! I really, really like the plan I made!!!

3) Go on complete assistance, go to school as much as assistance allows, live in smallest apartment possible, store everything I love at my grandparents house, give up painting entirely for a few years. Again. Fuck, that's a horrid option. I don't want to do this, and the thought of ripping my own art away from me makes me feel dead inside.

*sigh*

I think the reality of what option 1, really the true option for me, means. I don't mind downsizing my stuffness. I mean, it's just crap. And I've lived in tackier places, and always enjoyed the creative challenge of making those living spaces work for me. As far as creative space goes, well, I've had less to work with, again, just means rising to the challenge if I want it so dang bad.

I'm really I guess hitting the reality of what changes I really am about to undertake. I have to let go of this old world I thought was mine. Because it isn't, this isn't me anymore. I have this amazing future I am working towards, and sacrifices will need to be made to meet those ends. I am willing to give up a lot it, as long means still providing an awesome life for my son, and meeting that amazing goal I've set for myself. I set out to do this on my own, and goddamnit, I'm going to. I knew that doing this meant giving up a lot. So I guess this is step one, compromise my previous notions of a "standard" of residence. I know steps two thru godknows will probably include some major financial cutbacks, but I've already begun those, so it's ok.

Hmmm...

There's another part of this reality setting in for me. Or rather, unsettling me.

So...there's um...a boy. I'm actually still editing another entry about said boy, painstakingly rewriting it to ensure I capture how just downright amazing he is. Because he is just...wow. Awesome. And he thinks I am awesome. Which is awesome. And we as a "we" is even more awesome. There's a whole lotta awesome there.

And what I am about to say I don't think is the old Sharona doubting herself again...but maybe it is, I don't know. *sigh*

It's just, well, with all I am going to be giving up to make this work...well...what the hell am I going to be able to offer Mr. Awesome? I mean, yea, there's my...uh...awesomeness. And of course there's the unflappable loyalty and all the affection I can muster (which, if you know me, is a lot). Any guy who'd be willing to stick by me and cheer lead while I do what I need to do is definitely worthy of all the loving goodness I know I have the ability to provide. Tenfold.

But, well...I'm going to be living in a dinky little place for a few years. Penny pinching to pay my tuition will mean some pretty skimpy cupboards. Thank god I know how to make so many things from scratch! But, well, how much homemade yogurt would one man possibly want to eat? Today I had to hang-dry all of my laundry because I could only afford to throw Anthony's load in the dryer. Jess is on a pretty solid path of his own, which is why I find him so amazing and wonderful. But does he really need to sit by and watch me struggle my way through mine? Yes, it'll be all great and amazing when this is all accomplished, but that'll be years from now. This guy is pretty great right now...maybe he deserves a heck of a lot more than having to wait for me to get through all this, only watching from the sidelines. I'm not saying I don't deserve an amazing guy like this, because hey, I'm pretty cool! But...on the same note, acknowledging how wonderful he is also means acknowledging that I may not really be able to provide him with what he deserves now. I mean, sure, he loved the tapestry I made him. But chances are, that'll probably be the first of many handmade gifts, because I can't afford to buy anything. How many times is he going to tolerate hearing "I can't afford to make it up to see you", before he gets tired of being the one that has to travel?

Gah..I'm thinking too far ahead. I'm really good at overthinking things, and I did promise myself I wouldn't be doing this, especially not with stuff involving him. I have some HUGE changes in front of me. Time will tell if he can cope with riding them out. And if not, well, I did sorta embark on this journey under the impression I'd be alone for it.