Mirror, Mirror

It's amazing how a rather innocuous statement can shift your whole thinking. A few simple words, meant to be incidental (and actually were made as a compliment) caused quite a powerful stir. Perhaps it was the timing of them, or it was who said them, or how they worked out a huge issue in therapy, or a number of things. But BEWM! Epiphany, Chaos, then instant peace.

"You have a very Unique Beauty." It was uttered by a friend who has gotten to know me quite deeply, although he was referring to a photo he had seen of me. He's only seen a handful, and in fact, has never physically laid eyes on me. Ah, the interwebs. This friend is also someone who happens to put very little importance to physical being. He's got this whole "monk" thing going, very zen. He shaved his own head to eschew vanity, and has since then given complete disregard to outward appearances. It's quite inspiring.

No, I don't plan on shaving my head.

Anyways, the statement floated around in my head quite a bit. In light of the recent alterations to my appearance, I am still struggling to accept the mirror's image. The words haunted me, and took my mind down many paths. I am not a "pretty girl", and I know plenty of those girls. You know the kind. The perfect little beauty's with perfect hair, and the perfect pouty lips, who can bat their eyes and people fall at their damn feet. With one smile, people will fawn and coo. They are usually "sweet" little things, too, so you can't hate them. But, well, I've never been one, so I can only stare at them and wonder if they know that their lives are different. Not better, just different. I've "lost" guys I was interested in to the bevy of the pretty pretties, and I usually just sigh wistfully, rather than resent.

But if I am a "unique beauty", then my reasoning follows that to mean that it takes a rather unique individual to find me beautiful. Jesse is a rather unique man, in all his zen-like glory! But my mind wandered further down this path and I thought of my lovely, wonderful, amazing friends who all attempt to make similar comments. My friends have said I am beautiful. I always took it in the past as their attempts at propping up my frail ego. But in light of the most recent person to make this statement, I began to see it a bit differently. My friends say this because they know me, most of them quite well. They see me as beautiful because they see me on the inside. The comments people have made about my physical appearance are often one in the same as the descriptors they've used of my personality. They aren't calling my face beautiful, they are calling the person I am inside that.

Soooooo....I bring up these thoughts in therapy. His response was rather interesting, and expressed out of frustration, I think. I had mentioned my interpretation of the "unique beauty" comment in reference to not being a necessarily pretty woman, but one that it took a unique mindset to appreciate. He became rather exasperated.

"Fine, you don't want to be a unique beauty? You want to be a regular pretty girl?"

"Well, I didn't mean..."

"No, let's follow this path. First, your signature red hair would have to go. You'd either have to bleach or go chestnut. Probably need to cut your hair, too, since it's a little too long. Start wearing makeup, and make sure you pick one of those palettes you see in a magazine. In fact, go get plastic surgery and pick out a few features from a box, so you can be a bit more cookie cutter. Remove the tattoos, of course. and the piercings. Pretty girls don't wear black nail polish, you'll have to go with pink or something. Your clothes? Yea, you really need to work on that, no chunky boots, no carpenter jeans in public, or hello kitty tshirts. You will have to throw out your whole wardrobe, and start meticulously planning each appearance rather than just throwing things on simple because you think it works..." he went on and on, tearing down pretty much every tiny little detail (he's a very detail oriented person, so needless to say, it was a long conversation). "But yea, then you'll be a pretty girl, and you'll be the perfect little cookie cutter, and men will flock behind you"

"But I don't want a flock of men. And certainly I don't want the type that go for the cookie cutter pretty girls"

"Oh, don't worry, your little nerds will flock, too, because then you'll be this awesome arm candy that they'll want to show off to their other nerdy friends"

"I DON'T WANT THAT EITHER. I think I'm ok with being someone only a unique person can appreciate, because I get it," I said. "I'd rather someone knows me and says it for what's inside of me. If someone thinks I'm beautiful because they see my soul as beautiful, then I'd rather have that than a cookie cutter pretty face any day!!!"

He smiled. Apparently I've made a lot of progress. In time, I want to be able to take a page from Jesse's book, and not even see the outside, unique or not, at all. Granted, I don't mean I will stop taking care of myself. I like working out, and I will still take care to be presentable (as I always do). But rather than obsess over one little innocuous comment, or glare at the image in the mirror, I want to be able to just shrug and move on. And I think I'm getting much closer to that now.

To any of my friends who read this: Thank you for knowing me for who I am. Thank you for embracing me, accepting me, and loving me. Thank you for calling me beautiful, because I am a mirror of you all and your own wonderful souls.