One rough ride, pt 3 (final)

I wish I could have had my eyes open long before. I kept staring so narrowly at the path in front of me, I didn't stop to see what was happening around me. I think I was just spread so thin, I couldn't see the glaring signs in front of me. I was doing everything I could just to hold my head above water, and was so determined not to self-inflict any more turmoil into my existence. I kept sidelining things, thinking I could just face them at a time when there was a little less urgency in front of me. I won't go into too much detail, it stings too much right now, and some things are better at this point in time to just stay buried.

I will tell you that the last two weeks the rollercoaster has bucked quite a bit. I was scrambled back into the dentist's chair to attempt a partial fitting before the cleaning I had done was a moot point. I only had a narow window in which to get in for that, but I did, and now we are just waiting on me being able to afford the final fillings with a new dentist. The pain has subsided, as he temporarily repaired the cracked denture. So, when I finally decide to start eating again, I do have the ability.

The school remained frustrated with me in my lack of acquiring treatment, but were understanding to the court delays. We had a mix of good days and bad, but every good day I took in as a small but desperately needed victory.

And, well, the second court day came, and since he never responded, everything I asked for was passed into agreement. I'll have to call DCS to make an order regarding tax exemption, but it shouldn't be an issue. I fell to the floor and cried that day, for the first time, out of relief. I felt so much hanging on that day. I called the doctors I had waiting and said to move forward with the appointments I had scheduled, no further need to wait on consent forms.

In the height of all of this, Scott chose to leave. I've spent the last two weeks completely devastated by this loss, but now see how completely inevitable it was. Looking back, he pulled out of this a while ago, I just had blinders on. I will spare you the painful details of how I now came to see this, and how it all happened. These wounds are going to take some time to heal, especially since I have more important things to focus on other than my heart. During the days I throw my focus into preparing the house for Scott's departure, and for getting myself in order to face covering the few expenses we shared. I call doctors, I focus on my son. He actually had a perfect week last week, a victory I reveled in. I tell him how much he is loved, and try to ease the pain of the abandonment he too is feeling.

But the nights...well, they are rough. When kiddo is fed, read to, and tucked in, when the last phone calls can be made, when the last box can be packed and the last corner of the apartment is scrubbed...all I have is a kitten on my lap and my mind full of thoughts. The future I thought I was working towards is gone, now I have to create the vision of a new one. That future is a long hard road, but then they all are. I will stop at nothing to help my son. I will give every ounce of my being to accomplish this. Once he's stable, I can return to work. I will forfeit school for now, but that part of my dream will only be delayed, not cancelled.

And last I will turn to fixing what's now broken within. The pain of being abandoned in your time of need is a devastating one. If you really love someone, the one thing you don't do is slam the door on their face when they beg you to stay. You stand with them and fight for that love's existence. I gave so much, and in my weakest moment it was thrown back in my face. Having a heart full of love rejected so cruelly causes deep tears in one's soul that will take years to heal. Loving someone truely, they become a part of you, and when ripped away, you feel a piece of you torn, and the means to mend that hole are not always easy to find.

Right now, and probably for a while, I don't want to trust. I don't want to give. I don't ever want to risk inflicting this pain again upon myself, and certainly not my son. I know now that things hadn't been right in a long time, and I should've demanded better. But now all I'm left with is a very hard earned lesson, and a lot of pain. But also, a lot of time. And yet another chance to make my world, and my son's world, a better place.