Bucket List of 2011

I have never liked the idea of creating New Year's Resolutions, I never seem to get them done, and I always feel guilty come December at how little I've accomplished. I'd prefer to let my life changes just happen as they need to. But! I decided it would be fun to create a list of things I would like to do this year, an attempt to keep myself active and seeking adventure. I had a lot of fun last year on adventures with my friends, so I am hoping to keep the momentum going in 2011. I have a great sitter, and my dad is willing to sit here for an evening in a pinch, so I have very little excuse outside of costs. But I am determined to make "experience" a priority, because I am enjoying life far too much to stop! I felt like I let this part of my life slide a little last year when I dated Jesse, and I'm not sure why. Perhaps it was because he couldn't join me, I felt guilty going out and doing things without him. But that's ridiculous. Even if I end up coupling off with someone, I would still want to be doing these things with friends. If I had a particular partner in crime, awesome! But it's not necessary, and if he/she can't make it out for something, I should be able to go with others.

If any of these ideas appeal to you, please let me know! I need adventure buddies.

More SIFFing! Dave and I did the SciFi Film Fest, and it was awesome. I always saw other people attending SIFF events, and wondered what all the hulabaloo was about. But after enjoying this one so much, I am eager to snap up more of their event calendars. I saw that April is their big animation month, so I am hoping to hit several of those ones.

Spend an entire day wandering through the Woodinville Wineries. There's a massive collection of them out there, and I had no idea til I happened to see a brochure. I've decided this is definitely high on the list!

Do the Seattle Gourmet Chocolate Tour. Yea, it's 50$ a person, I don't care. CHOCOLATE.

Take kiddo to a few of the U-pick farms in the area. Yea, this will more than likely be a late spring/summer thing. We had such a blast out at Beringer for Halloween, and that will now be the spot of choice come pumpkin pickin' time.

New restaurants/new cuisine. I'm a foodie in a foodie lovin' town. In this past month alone I've tried a bunch of new dishes and places I'd never heard of. I want to continue the trend as long as I can afford it, and find other foodie nuts willing to go along! At the end of the year I'll make a list of the best of the best, but so far, everything I've done is fantastic. I may just start posting random restaurants to try on facebook and see if anyone says they're game for a night.

Attempt to hone my beer palette. We live in microbrew mecca! I'd like to get together with a few friends who know more about this and try a tasting somewhere.

Visit the gardens of the NW. I got a brochure the other day, and became enthralled. We have so many beautiful botanical gardens here! I only saw a few several years ago when I was attempting to plan my wedding. I'd love to see the japanese gardens, and spend more time down at the arboretum.

Attend more of the SAM and PacSci events. My membership to one opened up a slew of options, and I am probably going to use some tax return dollars to member it up at the other. Seriously, we live in a city that has so many cool things going on in their museums, I'm an idiot not to have done this sooner.

Enjoy Seattle festival season this summer. I only ever go to a few of the events, and I don't see why I don't attend more. Folklife? of course. Bite of Seattle? I'd be crazy not to! Prety much every weekend there's a nifty deal going at the seattle center, I just need to get kiddo and I on a bus.

Take advantage of the parks/beaches this spring. Anthony and I have 4 kites. We love them. We need to use them more.

Visit the Burke Museum, and the Asian Art museum. I am horrified to admit that these are the two I have yet to visit, and I've lived here 13 years. I aim to cross these off the list this year.

More music! Jamison is my go to concert buddy, but I did not get nearly enough of this awesome action last year. Must correct in 2011! Granted, I can't go to the big stuff because of my allergies, but the small house shows are a crazy good time and I need to get more of these on the calendar. So friends, if you know of a band you think I'd even remotely like, give me enough notice for a sitter and I will join you for some booty shakin' fun.

More...well, you get the idea. What is life without adventure? Dull. So, come on...who wants to come live a little with me? :-)

Shut up, lil birdies!!

Well, after a lot of deliberation, I booked the "appointment o' doom" at Planned Parenthood. It was time for the whole you-know-what testing, but more specifically, to get pap'd. I hate them. I feel that clutch of worry in my throat every time, more so without insurance. I think once you test "abnormal", you'll always get that fear. And with it comes the bigger fear, what would I do? I can't afford the treatments that follow that! I had insurance last time, so the biopsies and following treatment were all covered. But holy crap, trying to afford cancer treatment on my own thin dime? *sigh* We'll know in 7 days. No news is good news, they say.

It just wasn't a pleasant moment, period. I was told that I qualified for a program that would allow all this to be done for free (the testing and exams, at least), but when I got there, they said my income was too high. When I asked how much the appointment would cost...

$400.

I couldn't help it, I started crying. And I was even more embarrassed that I was crying, that I cried even more. I mean, I have to get my annual done, I'd been having some pains and weird bleeding all last month. Once you've heard the C word before, you can't just ignore warning signs. But...$400? Where the fuck was I going to get that? I only had $200 in my account. She let me know they'd take a payment plan, and I suppose that helped ease my horror. But FUCK.

Yea, I know, the Canadian border looks so good. I can't believe that reproductive health testing has to cost so damn much. That evil cunt from DSHS who rudely told me "don't get sick" when denying me health coverage just rings through my head.

Well, it's over, and I just get to stare at my phone for a few days. Oddly, they were able to cover my pills, and even shoved a bunch of Plan B pills into my bag. Huh. I explained that I wasn't in a relationship, but I got the stern "you ARE sexually active, tho", and just took them. They aren't wrong, although I militantly use condoms, so it hasn't been an issue. Yea, I know by that I shouldn't have to get tested, but I do because I am all kinds of paranoid. And that paranoia has served to keep me completely clean for my entire sexual history, so I don't see a point in changin'! Anyways...that happened.

So, you know that feeling when you start digging someone...when you feel like little pink hearts are falling out of your ears, and there's little cartoon birds floating around twittering above your head, like in a disney movie? Yea, well, I kinda want to snatch the bird out of the air and squeeze him and growl "not YET, you little fuckers!!!"

*sigh* I'm kinda diggin' someone, but not really sure how I feel about that. We've only been out a few times, but I feel like he's someone I could definitely...well, I'll use his words "there's a lot of potential". Thinking about him in my life isn't scary. He actually fits there pretty well. And he's a lot of the stuff I was hoping to find, but pessimistic on actually finding. Very intelligent, we have a BUNCH in common, makes me laugh, attractive, laid back, independent, passionate about his world, likes the idea of kids, all that awesome stuff. His work frequently takes him out of town, which means he's around enough to make me happy, but away enough to let me continue doing my own thing. Oh, he's super respectful of my mama-boundaries. When I realized how understand and accommodating he was to that aspect, I almost fell over. But...oh, there's always a but....

I don't have a clue how he feels, other than that he's still content to be seeing me, but also other people right now. I just kinda nodded my head on that one. I...well, can't really do that. I mean, obviously it's logistically impossible. I really only have enough time to entertain one romance at a time. And I just can't really be like that. If I start liking someone in particular, I drop the others because I want to see where it's going to go with them. I'd rather just let them have what little attention I can put on that part of my life on them. *sigh* monogamous to a fault.

So, here I am feeling all kinds of awkward. I certainly didn't plan on liking someone (but do I ever plan on it?). I feel myself starting to slide over to being swoony over him and it frustrates me. I see an upcoming event and naturally click over the assumption he'd be the one to go with. Then I mentally rap my own knuckles with a ruler and tell myself to knock it off. I don't think he's at the "plus one" stage yet, and I feel really, really stupid getting there first. I've been actually making a concerted effort to continue to date others, but all I can do is sit there thinking they aren't even close to this guy. I even landed a date with a girl I've had a crush on for a LONG time, and what did I do? Immediately texted him after just to continue the conversation we were having before I left the house. FAIL. And when I find myself texting something slightly romantic...well, he gets all quiet, and that reminds me to shut up...then do it again an hour later.

See, this is why I don't like dating!!

Another year, another "restart"

Well, this year definitely started out with a bump in the road, but not in the cataclysmal fashion as the last. I hate to downgrade the ending of my relationship with Jesse as merely a bump in the road, but in the grand scheme of things, yea, merely a bump, and a very swiftly learned set of lessons to put in place for this year.

1) Long Distance relationships are not an option for me.

2) Serious relationships aren't going to be, either. more on this in a sec.

The Long distance aspect...*sigh* While on the outside it seemed like an ideal situation, it just gradually fell into badness. I missed him terribly, and apparently he likewise. The distance seemed to prevent the relationship from really getting off the ground (although it could've just been me). Because of our physical absence, neither could really grasp the others' life needs. It created distrust, on his part. It was ultimately unfair to him, as I could not meet him equally in the travel aspect. Although I explained this in the beginning, and he seemed to grasp it at first, it was a big part of our downfall. He confronted me about a month prior to our implosion about wanting me to contribute more to the travelling, and I saw the bell slowly tolling upon us. I can't travel, plain and simple. I can't just leave my son behind on a frequent basis. I can't afford the time off. I'm in class, so I can't make room in my schedule. I can't afford the trips, either. There's no "make the effort" about it, I just can't. Yea, we had some other issues, too, but this was the be all end all one. The part that stung was that instead of ending in a peaceful manner, where we could acknowledge maybe trying again when I move up there in a few years, it just exploded over a misunderstanding. That misunderstanding leads me to reality number 2.

Relationships...I think I've now come to the simple truth that it's not going to be happening for me. I'm ok with that now. I was before he and I got involved. After the trauma of January '10, I came out on the other side a peaceful and happy person, at home in my own skin and reveling in my independence. I said before and I'll say again, I like my life how it is right now. Just me and kiddo, living through the storms and doing our own thing. My life is complete without another person.

While that would on the outside make for a great mental space to have a relationship, my life does not. I'm a single, full time mother of a developmentally disabled child. I'm in school. I'm independent. Those three things, more emphatically the first, are the kiss of death to me having a partner, apparently. Finding a person who can actually come into this life is going to be close to impossible, and frankly, I don't care.

Yea, I know other single parents manage to find love. Bully for them. But...it's just been too much of a roadblock! My son is here all the time. I am completely devoted to him. Jesse seemed to understand...but I don't think he truly did, and I can't blame him. He'd never had a child, and I don't think it was a priority to him. And that's a fact with most people I find date-able in my age group. But it limits my life in ways they don't get.

I can't drop everything in a nanosecond to deal with a partner's crisis, and you're damn right, that's not ok. But it's my reality. My kid's here, wanting dinner, or needing help with homework, or having a meltdown. So when you call because you are angry with me, yea, I'm going to have to tell you the conversation needs to happen at a later time in the evening. Sorry. You are horny? Chances are, I am too, but it's 6pm and kiddo's not in bed yet, and I still have to finish my paper for class. Can you wait til 9? *sigh* nah, didn't think so. You want to go away for the weekend? Unless it's only twice a year or so, this isn't going to happen. My son is only at his dad's house 2 days a month, I'd have to rearrange work schedule and probably can't do it during the school term. Heck, I can really only go out a few nights of the week, and I don't stay up past midnight very often. I try my best to be as open and communicative as possible, but I can't be there all the time. I've got a lot of shit going on in my life, and sometimes I do need to just mentally shut down.

I really do care about my partners, I do! I tried to be a devoted girlfriend within my limitations. I was incredibly devoted to Scott, apparently too much. I call/text when I can. I'll write love letters. Every time Jesse was down, I'd hand-make one of my cards, write a thoughtful note, and hide it in his bag. I made him that crazy tapestry. And I always tried to show him a lovely time when he came down, whether it was exploring the city, or cooking together, or playing together. Every part of that I would love to see in my next relationship. But for most folks, that's not enough, and I guess I can't fault them for that. After all, a relationship with me is going to be compromise after compromise on their part. They'll be coming here more than I will ever be at their place. In person visits and even lengthy communication has to happen around my hectic schedule. Add to the mix that my interests are entirely solitary, and it's sort of a done deal.

I've heard from a few friends "well, you might eventually find the right person who can hang with all that". Well, yea, and we might elect a gay president next year. Doesn't mean I am going to, and I just can't get my hopes up anymore. I have too much to focus on right now. It sucks a bit, sure. I've met some cool people being back on OKC, but have already been "weeded out" because of my stance on not wanting to get involved, and going friends only. Super bummer, because one of the guys who nixed me was actually pretty cool, and under normal circumstances, I would even try to convince him I'm an ok catch. But...well, why go through the trouble of the dance when I don't have a lot of me to offer someone? That's not very fair to them.

So, as Anthony says so adorably, "It's me, you, and Smoosh!" And we're cool with that, which is awesome. So why mess with a good thing? I've got batteries. I have a ton of love within me, and luckily have some amazing friends I can dump all of that love onto. And I can date, and hang out, and simply enjoy companionship. I can't think to really ask for more!