The meaning of "wrong"

I know I've posted many a times about my frustrations regarding my ex and my son. Everyone by now knows the story, my son has a developmental disorder, my ex can't handle it, nor does he wish to try. And of course, his selfishness and lack of concern for his son's needs cause undue stress on my part. Then I yell, and we begin the vicious cycle anew.

I had a very frustrating conversation today. I'm not sure if he was expecting me to be "understanding", or pity him, or what. I have no empathy left inside me for him as an individual, and I'm honestly surprised that he would expect otherwise.

Apparently he wants to change the visitation schedule...AGAIN...because it doesn't suit his living situation. At first, he wanted the visits to line up with his girlfriend's kid. The girl has a boy close to Anthony's age, and while I suspected this arangement was basically to allow the kids to keep themselves entertained, I did have a few concerns because at one point the other child beat up Anthony pretty bad.
But now, apparently, it's causing too many "problems". The kid doesn't understand Anthony, and therefor gets all kinds of pissy. Ex actually felt the need to convey to me how this "poor kid" gets upset with Anthony because he can't understand why there's something "wrong" with him. The girlfriend doesn't understand Anthony, and therefor gets all kinds of pissy. She's frustrated with Anthony being different, and takes it out on Daddy. And apparently the ex hates it when everyone gets pissy, and so starts bemoaning the fact that there's "something wrong" with his kid. He's worried about his own damn anxiety, because he's getting too frustrated with there being a "problem" with kiddo. Of course, when I tell him he needs to get his own damn therapist, and deal with that, he shrugs it off. I can't believe how he doesn't see that he's putting his relationship before his child. He says he's doing this for his own sanity. I asked what he's proposing, but he hasn't decided. I'm quite frankly thinking we'l ned to cut his visitation even more. Because, apparently, 2 days a month is too damn much.

Now granted, he has of course never bothered to ask me if I'm affected. Ya know, the person who Anthony actually lives with the vast majority of the time. So I'm going to answer it here.

No. It doesn't. Three years ago when we discovered there was an issue, I began the trek down the long road for help for him. But as a parent, I said "ok, well there's that." And that was it. My son having a disability is like having a mole on his face, it is what it is. Can he be frustrating at times? Sure, what kid isn't??? But do I find parenting just as rewarding and wonderful? You betcha. My kid's a litle different, and you know what? He's friggin AWESOME.

Does it cause problems in my relationship? Well, I guess you'd ultimately have to ask Scott. But I can say we've never fought over it. He's never gotten upset with me over Anthony's issues. And not once in the three years we've been a family has Scott ever said there's something "wrong" with him. Not to put words in my man's mouth, but it seems he loves and accepts Anthony just as much as I do. As a parent should.

I know, I need to stop letting my ex-husband's shortcomings piss me off so bad. I think part of I is I feel embarassed that this reject is who I chose to be my son's father. I wanna tell him, "sorry, kiddo, I didn't know it'd be like this", and sweep the problem under the rug. As I hear the panic in my ex's voice rise, I worry that Anthony will pick up on his father's inability to, well, be a father. Anthony can't comprehend complex emotions, so I can only hope that he doesn't know his father is selfish enough to be "ashamed" of him. I'm afraid to subject kiddo to having to deal with this guy for the next 18 years, because he clearly doesn't want to "deal" with being a parent of a child with special needs.

I "deal" with it every day of my life. But I don't bemoan my fate. To do so would be shameful. I am a parent, and I'd like to think a damn good one. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my son, there's nothing too great to give, no sacrifice I won't make. Lord only knows I've given a lot, but I would do it again thrice over. And I say "deal" because frankly, it doesn't feel like that. Being a mother, being his mother, is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The only thing about him I really have a hard time "dealing" with is his damn father. He's the one who causes my stress and anxiety. Not only has he gone out of his way to make my life difficult, but then he thinks I will actually listen to him whine about how difficult it is to be a father two days a month? Um, how about no.

Everytime we have one of these conversations, he gets upset because I'm not being "understanding". Then I get upset, hang up, and just sit here. I want to throw a vase against a wall, send thunder upon him, then curl up and cry. Then go hug my son, my sweet, loving son, and tell him "There's nothing wrong with you. But there is with your Dad, and that's my fault for picking him".